November 29, 2001

The Daze Rant

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I don’t think I can explain to you all exactly how angry I am right now. ABC, the Mickey Mouse network, has decided that classic sports film Brian’s Song needed to be redone, and is creating an updated version for December 2nd. Let’s get something straight, this movie does not need to be redone. This is not The Greg Louganis Story, starring Saved by the Bell’s A.C. Slater or Caddyshack II starring the unforgettable Jonathan Silverman as the prick. This is a timeless movie that is truly good. Leave well enough alone, Michael Eisner.

Speaking of things that should be left alone, Steven Speilberg is re-releasing E.T. with certain changes that make it more politically correct, or some garbage like that. One such change includes equipping the shotgun-toting guys chasing the E.T. with flashlights instead of weapons of death. Let me tell you something, I don’t care how “cute” an extraterrestrial might look, if I’m working for the Feds, I better damn well get a shotgun or photon phaser or something if I’ve gotta chase down one of these things. What am I going to do with a flashlight, blind the thing? I’ve seen Independence Day. I’m not gonna let any of those little bastards kill me. Let’s see ya phone home without a head you little chimp.

A quick mid-column break here for a non-artsy rant. I got one of those anonymous drug and alcohol surveys a few weeks back and actually filled the thing out, but never got around to sending it back in. This week, I got an e-mail from the people at Gannett, who wanted to know why I hadn’t sent my “anonymous” survey in. Think about that for a second. How did they know I hadn’t sent in the survey? Perplexing.

Ok, back to the rant.

The 28th annual People’s Choice Awards are coming up soon, and nominated for the award for Best Actor again this year are Mel Gibson and Tom Hanks. Neither was in a movie this year. Hell, the last movie I can remember Hanks in was You’ve got Mail, and if that deserves an award, I’m officially nominating The Eisley Brothers for Entertainers of the Year. Take that, establishment.

Also nominated is Scott Bakula for Male Performer in a New Television Series. Yes, the same Scott Bakula whose only previous claim to fame was starring in Major League III: Back to the Minors. Forgive us, oh Lord, for we have sinned.

(God replies: “I will strike down the first Bakula in every family until I am pleased.”

“Good idea, oh Lord.”

“Of course it’s a good idea!”)

Final bit … questions of the week:

Why did Courtney Cox marry David Arquette? This man has two claims to fame, sucking and being not funny.

Why is the next Star Wars movie named Attack of the Clones? Was No Talent Ass Clones taken?

Why can’t people see the beauty behind a dwarf-tossing event? Dave Flood, a dwarf from Florida, is suing to bring back the lost art to his home state. God bless you Dave, and may you always land on your feet.

Is there a greater punchline in history than “Bea Arthur?” Seriously folks, think of any joke. Make the answer “Bea Arthur.” Here’s an example:

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?”

“Bea Arthur.”

Wow, that’s good stuff.

Ok, I’m out. Keep on smiling and remember, “Now is the time on Sprockets when we dance!”

Archived article by Charles Persons