December 6, 2001

The Daze Rant

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Boy bands.

God, I hate boy bands.

It’s fairly infrequent that the pre-pubescent jackasses and I cross paths, since I watch MTV with the frequency with which the average camel takes a dump.

Nonetheless, I was accosted by the little miscreants this week when I was watching a regular channel, when A.J., Nick, Kevin, Bingo and Kid Jerkoff decided it was time to sell me their first “Greatest Hits Album.”

First off, screw this. Seriously, Pearl Jam hasn’t put out a greatest hits album and these little Bastards from Hell get to have one? Get out of my face, you slimy little shits, before I disembowel you with a wooden ladle.

When exactly did bad singing and melodies written by another human being constitute a “greatest hits album?” We’ve not seen this sort of crap since Garfunkle decided to pursue a solo “career.”

I’m getting ferklempt. The Backstreet Boys Greatest hits album … neither greatest, nor full of hits. Discuss.

(On a side note, has anyone ever noticed how silly Yiddish words look on paper? I had like a half dozen Jewish people trying to figure out how to spell “ferklempt!” If a language is this hard, it needs to go the way of Sanskrit.)

Look, I survived the New Kids on the Block craze. (Anyone remember that cartoon show they had? That had to be the dumbest idea since casting James Van der Beek in Varsity Blues. “I don’t want your life.” Like he was really going to Brown. I have bowel movements more intelligent than Van der Beek.) I dealt with girls screaming, fainting, and generally acting like they’d just seen Derek Jeter (the man who really does look like the Rock had sex with a muppet). I’ve had enough, frankly.

One more thought. I actually found myself reading one of those Harry Potter books earlier this week. Problem was, I found myself doing it while skipping class. Somehow, I knew explaining to my parents that I missed a couple of classes to read wasn’t going to fly. So I lied and said I’d just slept through them.

Questions of the week: Is there a greater show on television at 1:30 a.m. than Sports Night? This has to be the greatest show ever, I’m not even kidding. It’s half the reason I’m going into sports journalism.

Is there a dumber show on television than Prime Time Glick? I actually watched this show for 2.5 seconds the other day and felt myself growing dumber. Martin Short was funny in certain roles on Saturday Night Live, as one of the Three Amigos and never again. It’s like he fell out of the not-funny tree .. and got hit by the not-funny truck … and was bludgeoned to death by the not-funny moped …

But I digress.

What did children do in the car before their parents were forced to install DVD players in their minivans? Did I actually live through this age? How am I possibly normal? (That children, is called the subtle art of sarcasm. Learn it, and you too will one day be able to laugh obnoxiously and refer to fat people as “tubs of lard” while remaining “funny.” Sarcasm is our friend!)

Why can’t Michael Jackson have a tragedy? Everyone else important in music dies early. Isn’t it your turn, or did you cheat the “death fairy” at the same time you cheated the “black fairy?”

That’s it, my brain is full (as in empty, sarcasm again children). Seriously. Have a good break and try not to kill Penn and Teller. Enjoy the music stylings of Journey. I’m Andy Rooney, and that’s all for 60 Minutes.

Archived article by Charles Persons