January 31, 2002

The End of the Line

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I don’t get a chance to watch much TV up here, so it’s nice to get back to the real world (everyone who just thought about MTV is requested to leave at this time) during break and find out exactly what I’ve been missing. Since you may not have been doing the exhaustive entertainment search that I did over the holidays, I’ll catch you up on what you might have missed.

Not a damn thing.

First, let’s talk about Becoming. This is MTV’s new show — and it follows in a long list of successful, high-quality television programs from the network, like Say What Karoke! Joy!

In all seriousness, if you’ve missed this show, you should consider yourself lucky and smarter than anyone who has seen it. This show made me dumber for having watched it. I kept wishing I would lose consciousness, but blissful sleep never came. From that day forth, I swore I would never lose the remote again. It’s just too dangerous a world.

Speaking of crappy shows, has anyone seen The Chair? Let me get this right, you’re going to ask me to watch some moron get asked questions while scary things are shoved in their face? What is this, Judge Judy in a thong? Save me the misery.

And if that isn’t enough fun, Fox brings us The Chamber. Let’s take a look inside Rupert Murdoch’s research division to see the creative process at work:

Fox exec: “I need an idea for a show.”

Other Fox exec: “That glowing box in the corner seems to be full of ideas. This show is about a chair!”

Fox exec: “Brilliant, we’ll call it … The Chamber! Now we just need to think of a sequel to That 70’s Show.”


Bad movies are everywhere lately as well, but I think my personal favorite is going to be Collateral Damage, starring the unequaled Arnold Schwarzenegger. It’s amazing the man has been in this country for nearly 25 years and he still can’t speak the language. I understand the whole learning curve thing, but seriously. I mean, Mel Gibson got it.

Closely following in the movies that are likely to leave you with gastrointestinal issues is the new movie starring Mandy Moore, A Walk to Remember. For starters, gentlemen, if you’re going to see this movie, be prepared for the equivalent of mental castration. I know, “it’s Mandy Moore,” you’re thinking. Please trust me. Mental castration. Not good.

Need a second reason? This movie is called A Walk to Remember. Do you recall not watching Snow Falling on Cedars? There was a definite reason for that. If it feels bad, don’t do it.

Ok, movies bore me. Especially movies with pop divas. What the hell is a diva anyway? God, I hate divas. Thank God for people like Bob Barker.

Speaking of Barker, the 30th anniversary of the Price is Right is going to be on television. I grew up watching this show, I admit, especially during the summers. My question here is, if Bob Barker’s been doing this show for 30 years, how old is he by now? Seriously, he’s gotta be like 142. I’m not sure if it’s impressive or sad.

Nonetheless, you have to respect him for the cameo in Happy Gilmore.

“The price is wrong, bitch!” Beautiful.

Wow, an entire column of complaining. Who’d have thunk I could do it. I’d like to thank the Academy, my mom and my friend Jack Daniels. Oh, fur kills animals, unless it’s fake fur. Or leather. Good night.

Archived article by Charles Persons