April 1, 2002

Resnet to Increase

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ResNet officials announced a miscalculation of next year’s fees Saturday. Students will actually pay $440.92 a month to connect to the Internet from their dorm rooms.

“We decided to recheck the numbers when two of the workers started a food fight over two plus two equals five,” said Darth Vader ’03, a member of the ResNet Committee. “That’s when we realized that we had to make a change.”

Instead of paying full price for Internet service, students have the option to participate in pornographic videos that will be linked to the Cornell home page. Web cams will also be installed free of charge for freshmen willing to take part in the video project.

“I think that it’s a great idea,” said Ron Jeremy. “I wish that they had this when I was in college.”

ResNet officials will evaluate new payment options over

EDITOR’S NOTE: April Fools! We got you this time. This article is not real.

Archived article by Kelly Samuels