April 5, 2002

The Rant

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“Yes.” That is the one word I have been waiting to hear from Steven Spielberg and Harrison Ford, for so many years. That was the response they gave FOX News reporter Roger Friedman when asked the infamous question, “Will we ever see Indiana Jones 4?”

For years, Indiana Jones fans have waited, wondering, how can the series end with the loss of the Holy Grail? Unfortunately, it seems that Spielberg has indicated his wife, Kate Capshaw, will return for IJ4. Yeah, you remember her; she was the annoying, awful blonde in Temple of Doom. You know, the one that was always complaining: screaming when she was about to get her heart ripped out and her body incinerated to the tune of “Kali Ma Shateeday!”, crying just because she had to eat monkey brains, whining when Indy was always risking his life to save her. Where the hell is Sean Connery in all of this? Of course the movie will be without Denholm Elliot, the museum leading Dr. Marcus Brody who always found himself falling into pits or getting locked inside Nazi trucks, because he passed away 10 years ago. Spielberg has indicated that he will make IJ4 his priority after filming a Hanks/DiCaprio flick, Catch Me If You Can. But will we have to wait for George Lucas (Executive Producer) to film all of his increasingly bad Star Wars movies? I hope not.

I once saw a Barbara Walters interview with Harrison Ford, not too many years back, in which he said he would do another Indiana Jones movie in a heartbeat. But Harrison Ford isn’t getting any younger. Of course, I also read a story that, in the Raiders of the Lost Ark scene where the sword-spinning guy puts on a performance for Indy only to get shot, there was in fact supposed to be a real fight scene between Indy and the sword-slinger. Ford however had a high fever, and came up with the simple, now infamously hilarious scene where he shoots the guy instead. I wouldn’t have any other man playing Indiana Jones.

Now I just have to say something about the new MTV show centering on the family of music legend Ozzy Osbourne, The Osbournes. It is a reality show that follows the hilarious family around their house all day (I don’t think the family does much else). Ozzy’s memorable encounters with his wife’s endless supply of dogs and cats that constantly crap on his bathroom floor, or his complete inability to open a garbage bag are beyond humorous. A dispute with the next-door neighbors occurs over the playing of some crappy “folk-music” (Osbourne’s words) at 4 in the morning (the folk-music is in fact “My Girl” by The Temptations). The police drop by after hearing reports that Sharon Osbourne (Ozzy’s wife) threw large amounts of fruit into their neighbors’ yard. After promising the Beverly Hills police officers that it won’t happen again, MTV cuts to a scene of the whole family laughing at cracked-out daddy who is throwing a wooden log, vegetables, and whatever else he can find over the fence. Next week’s episode (it airs after Real World, Tuesdays at 10:30pm) features Ozzy trying to get in shape (now this is funny), and his feelings on his upcoming concert where the stage ejects thousands of soap bubbles. “Bubbles? Oh come on, Sharon, I’m fuckin’ Ozzy Osbourne, the Prince of fuckin’ Darkness