April 18, 2002

The Rant

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One of my favorite sports writers, Bill Simmons (a.k.a. The Boston Sports Guy) gave out his annual NBA awards last week. Rather than the typical mindless “rookie of the year”-type awards, Simmons decided to pull out quotes from the movie Rounders and then match those quotes to NBA happenings, people, events, etc.

So I’m a lazy college student, trying to find an idea for a rant, and this came up. I don’t have time to think up my own stuff anymore. So without further ado, this week’s entertainment news and appropriate quote from one of my favorite flicks, The Big Lebowski.

The Dude: And you know, he’s got emotional problems, man.

Walter: You mean, beyond pacifism?

This one can go to only one man, C-Murder, who this week got a second continuance on his murder trial. Since pleading not guilty to the count of second-degree murder in early March, I’ve been asking myself the same question over and over. How did no one see this coming? It’s like Lou Gerhig’s disease — this had his name all over it.

The Big L: What do you do for recreation?

The Dude: Oh, the usual — bowl, drive around, have the occasional acid flashback.

To the master of mayhem, Tommy Lee, who with his band (are Tommy Lee and Max Weinberg the only drummers allowed to have their own band? Has Lars Ulrich earned enough cereal boxtops for his own band?) will be opening a new tour in May to promote his new album, Never a Dull Moment. Should be fun — or at least productive — right?

Narrator: Do you have to use so many curse words, Dude?

The Dude: What the fuck are you talking about, man?

To Ozzy Osbourne, who’s new show on MTV is the funniest show I’ve ever seen in my life. Last week, Ozzy, using a cane to support his fractured leg, chased his cat around the back yard for about 5 minutes. You can’t pay for this kind of humor.

Quote of the week comes from the show too. Ozzy’s youngest daughter said (and I’m not making this up), “We didn’t grow up like other kids, dad.” Well, duh.

Maude: Did you think this was all fun and games? I want a child!

The Dude: Ok… yeah… ok. Well, let me explain something about the Dude.

To Brittney Spears and Justin Timberlake. I would’ve loved to have been a fly on the wall for their break up scene. Of course, I’d love to be a fly on a wall in Brittney’s house for a lot of reasons.

The Dude: That’s a great plan, Walter. That’s fuckin’ ingenious, if I understand correctly. It’s a swiss fuckin’ watch.

To the Student Assembly, who this week decided that Danny Glover was to be this year’s convocation speaker. Danny freakin’ Glover? I paid $35,000 a year so that I could hear Danny Glover? Hell, at least get me Mel Gibson for that kind of money.

Honestly, the quotes on this are great. Apparently, at least from what the S.A. will tell us, Nelson Mandela and Bill Clinton were too busy. So Danny Glover was your third choice? Unbeliveable.

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got this week, or at least all the space Nate will give me. I’ll be back in a few weeks.

Archived article by Charles Persons