May 2, 2002

Slope Day Checklist

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We at Red Letter Daze believe in the power of alcohol, and despite recent announcements by the Slope Day Advisory Committee, we believe in drinking what we want at our own pace on the last day of classes. Instead of having to drink 15 shots before going out on the slope, we feel it is imperative to drink these 15 shots responsibly, throughout the day, on the slope. Because of a difference between the administration’s views and our own, we have compiled a list of ways to get your spirits on the slope with you.

1. Hide and Seek

The most obvious way to get your booze where you want it is to walk on the slope with it. This can be done in a variety of ways. Firstly, you can put a false bottom either on your shoes or your backpack. If you go the shoe route, you’ll have to drink directly from your shoe. A little odorous, but worth doing to get wasted. If you want to use your backpack, you can actually keep the alcohol in the bottle (and skip the reek).

Secondly, you can give yourself a second skin. While its great to love the skin your in, it’s better to be drunk and sacrifice looking thin. This can be done either by buying wine in a box, removing the box, and attaching the bag to your persona, or, for the more creative, you can make a body wrap at home using a series of plastic bags. Also, if you are of the gentler gender, you can easily turn yourself from a 34B into a 34D. They can touch, but you can scream.

2. Brew Your Own Whiskey

If Jack Daniels could do it, why can’t you? Dismiss all the legal jargon that’s come into legislation since 1866 and start collecting the “Slope Day-Approved” ingredients that can be assembled on location to make your own hooch. Just put some sprouted barley through a malting process by drying it and putting it in a closed kiln (not a plastic one). Then, mix malted barley with the unmalted barley before grounding into grist (which accounts for the smoothness of whiskey and the “non-peated” taste). Finally, Charcoal Mellow your whisky and age it for two years in oak barrels. Start today and just relax on the slope until 2004.

3. One If By Land, Two If By Air

Many a desperate drinker has buried his or her alcohol in mother earth. Every year, officials exhume at least one keg from six feet under the slope, but this year there is a better way. While dedicated members of the Slope Day Committee are frantically searching through people’s backpacks, confiscating their two-liters, it’s almost certain that none of them will have the time to look up and notice the quarter keg of Killians you pay to have air-dropped on the slope.

4. Lethal Injection

This one requires one necessary tool: a medical syringe. While this may not be readily available to you (especially if you are not a heroin addict), it will certainly be worth your search. This syringe can be used to inject vodka, gin, schnapps, or any other spirit you choose into fruit, beer cans, or even directly into your blood stream.

5. Be a Bic Shot

The average Bic pen, when emptied of its mechanical devices, can hold 1/4 of an ounce of hard alcohol. Bring 32 alco-pens to the slope and you get eight full shots to help you through writer’s cramp.

6. Hollow Bible

Think Shawshank Redemption … and what kind of a bastard is going to frisk a nice, young choir boy and take from him his divine wine?

7. Prosthetic Limb

Of course, this one applies only to a select, but, in this case, especially privileged group. (Hardcore drinkers should be willing to self-amputate.) For the ol’ prosthetic limb trick to work, simply remove your limb, fill with alcohol, and walk onto the slope completely undetected. Once you have reached the slope, you can either drink directly from your leg, arm, etc., or you can find your handle, give yourself a spout, tip yourself over and …

8. Absolut Overcast

With a little bit of research on tomorrow’s weather patterns, you can pin-point the best location to spike the rain. To do this, just borrow all of AXO’s hair dryers, then heat 40,000 liquid ounces of Absolut till it evaporates and just sit back, relax and enjoy Absolut showers (or if it snows