May 2, 2002

The Rant

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Well, the summer blockbusters are finally upon us, even though it’s not summer. Of course, I’m still fairly convinced it’s winter, but Mother Nature can’t make up her mind anyway. If l saw It’s a Wonderful Life on NBC tomorrow night I’d probably go out and buy Christmas presents for everyone. But that’s another story.

So it’s time for the Persons’ guide to summer blockbusters. What I’m about to tell you comes from long-winded discussions with Hollywood producers (can you have a short-winded discussion?). This is the ultimate inside scoop.

Spiderman: So it looks like the top money maker after this weekend will be Spiderman, a story about spiders and the people that kill them.

Positive: The good news is, Kirstin Dunst is in this movie, meaning you might not fall asleep.

Negative: The Cingular people are backing this project with so much money that I think I’m personally contributing to this movie. Honestly, can’t you all just knock about $15 off my cell phone bill?

Star Wars Episode 2: Attack of the Clones: The highly anticipated movie, directed by George Lucas. Sources tell me this one’s about spiders and the people that kill them.

Positives: Natalie Portman, Natalie Portman, Natalie Portman. Sadly, I’ve been told Jar-Jar Binks only has a couple of lines, greatly reducing the fodder for ranters like myself.

Negative: I heard this thing’s a love story. Well, at least it involves spiders.

Austin Powers in Goldmember: Vern Troyer is back as Mini-me in what will likely be the funniest comedy of the summer. The story is based around Troyer’s on-screen love affair with Meryl Streep. Mike Myers will try to stop it before the lovers make a porn.

Positives: Is there anything funnier than little people? Ok, well, talking hippos are pretty funny. But honestly, little people! And spiders!

Negatives: The endless Austin Powers impressions your friends will pull for four weeks straight.

Men in Black II: Earth is attacked by a hilarious colony of talking hippos and Will Smith raps all the way to the bank. (Interesting side note: with Will Smith’s career booming, when is it time for other crappy early 90’s rappers to bank on their lack of talent? I mean, hasn’t Vanilla Ice paid his dues?) Eventually, Smith teams up with Mini-me and He-Man to dispose of the dancing hippos (played by Danny Glover and Steve Guttenberg).

Positives: Will Smith gets to show off those really cool guns of his, which he will attempt to use on Laura Flynn Boyle.

Negatives: The definite lowlight will be the untimely death of Boyle, who gets accidentally run over by a herd of wild camels. In Manhattan.

Other quick recaps: Blue Crush — Cookie monster goes psycho. Scooby Doo — A movie about what happens when you feed drugs to a dog. And spiders. Enough — Jennifer Lopez cuts hair, looks ugly, starts spider farm.

This is my last one of these, so I leave you this thought: According to my editor, mooning people isn’t sexual harassment because a hairy asscrack isn’t sexual.

You guys have fun next year with this crew, they’re pretty good at what they do. Plus, they let me write garbage like this and no one even questions whether or not I’m on crack. That’s loyalty. Adios, kids.

Archived article by Charles Persons