September 5, 2002


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Make Them Stop

According to E! Online, Fox announced plans for a reality-show remake of Nick at Night mainstay Green Acres revolving around a stuck-up rich person or family that gets transplanted from the big city to the boondocks. What, you mean Cornell? Seriously, they should just take a camera and walk around the Freshman dorms for five minutes. They’ll get enough footage of whiny girls from Long Island complaining about how they’re not in “The City” to fill five seasons.

Houston, We Have a Problem

‘N Sync singer Lance Bass will not be flying on a Russian space shuttle this October after failing to meet a $20 million payment. In his place, the shuttle will carry an extra cargo container.

The announcement comes just days after a recent press conference where Bass announced he and his Russian cosmonaut team are “training our butts off.” Bass had been planning to sing in space, and hoped that he’d inspire kids to become astronauts.

What the hell has happened to America that we need our teen pop-stars to inspire kids to become astronauts? Aren’t astronauts supposed to be cool enough all on their own? I’m telling you, when a giant planet-smushing asteroid comes hurtling towards Earth or the Tentacle UFO Lords from Planet X come to eat our brains and steal our women, all you teeny-boppers will be wishing you gave your time and money to NASA instead of buying ‘N Sync CDs.

Why do I even bother, the teen-pop drones probably went into la-la land as soon as they saw Lance Bass talking about his butt.

Batman: The What?!

The New York Post recently reported that director Tim Burton has signed on to head a broadway version of his 1989 blockbuster, Batman… entitled… Batman: The Musical. I can’t even TYPE that with a straight face.

Provided it’s an accurate story (this is the Post we’re talking about here), it simultaneously proves that both Tim Burton and Broadway are clinically insane. I’m fire-bombing the theater if there’s even one mention of the Batusi making a come-back. Although, as embarrassing and damaging as this thing is going to be for the Batman franchise it still doesn’t approach the horror of Joel Schumacher and his Bat-Nipple costumes.

Broken Fellowship

The website is reporting that a copy of the rough cut for Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers made its way online and onto file sharing services over the weekend. If it’s true, that’s more than four months before the planned release. An AOL/Time-Warner spokesperson responded “I have serious question [sic] about this, I am not sure we even have a finished product yet. I don’t know what this is, but if it is the movie, or any portion of the movie, we will impose strict criminal penalties against anyone and everyone that downloads it!” Meanwhile, New Line Cinema, the film’s distributor, hasn’t officially confirmed if the leak exists.

I’m all for sticking it to the man when it comes to file sharing, but is an unfinished cut of the film really worth risking a crackdown? A copy of the DVD four months early, on the other hand… New Line execs are bastards for not only planning to put out a two versions of Fellowship, but also making me wait four months for the special extended version. That’s like someone stealing your wallet then coming back and beating you with a hockey stick they paid for using your credit card.

Archived article by Matt Chock