September 12, 2002

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Denial

Producers of HBO’s hit crime drama The Sopranos apparently snipped out the brief shot of the World Trade Center from the show’s opening sequence. The show’s fourth season is set to start on September 15. Remember, the best way to deal with a tragedy is to ignore it and pretend everything involved never existed.

Hold Onto Your Blockbuster Card

Scared of Cornell revoking your net connection for using Kazaa or Limewire to get the latest movies? Following the example of high end porno sites (not that I know anything about such things), www.CinemaNow.com is a new site offering people the ability to legally download and watch movies like Harry Potter on a pay-per-view basis.

But that’s not all. For the low, low cost of $2.99 a viewing you can download such classics as Blood Surf and Amazons and Gladiators. Never heard of Amazons and Gladiators? Neither have I, but according to the synopsis it involves “the beautiful Serena, now a slave, finds herself warding off the lascivious advances of a drunken Roman Senator and accidentally kills him. She escapes and ends up joining Queen Zenobia and her Amazon warriors.” Maybe this place isn’t that far from its porno roots, after all.

For those seeking something a little more high profile check out the New Releases section, featuring flicks like Curly Sue and Mars Attacks. Way to go, guys, keep offering hot blockbusters like that and you’ll squash those illegal file sharers in no time.

Coming Soon to Cinema Now

Speaking of movies that no sober person would willingly watch, check out the following films currently in production: Baywatch: The Movie, Freddy vs. Jason, Legally Blonde 2, and a live action version of The Cat in the Hat. Apparently Hollywood wasn’t content ruining childhood with their live action Grinch.

There is, however, one thing more emotionally scarring than a live action version of The Cat in the Hat: a feature film version of…American Idol. Early talks indicate the festering pile of dog excrement that is the “plot” will feature winner Kelly Clarkson and runner-up Justin Guarini, mixing “real-life” adventures and scripted scenarios.

I will personally bludgeon anybody I see buying tickets for a movie version of American Idol.

Get Out Your Visa

At the end of Attack of the Clones did you sit in your seat and think, “that was pretty cool but Yoda’s wrinkles just weren’t big enough for me”? If you did you’re a gigantic freak, but never fear. Lucasfilm is planning to release Star Wars: Episode II — Attack of the Clones on Imax screens in most major U.S. cities beginning November 1. The film will be digitally remastered to utilize the large-screen format’s superior audio and video.

IMAX ticket: $10.00.

Roundtrip bus ticket to NYC: $75.00

Thousands of Cornell Star Wars fans screaming about being stuck in Ithaca: priceless.

Hallelujah

Thank god for Cartoon Network and their attempts to save my sanity. Those selfless princes of humanity have just announced that they’ve picked up the rights to air all 72 episodes of Matt Groening’s Futurama.

All they have to do now is get Invader Zim and I might start believing people have taste again.


Archived article by Matt Chock