September 12, 2002

Gotta Have It

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There is money in your pocket and it is burning. It wants to be spent. It needs to be spent. And it doesn’t want to go towards coat hangers or light bulbs or fabric softener. Your money wants to be exchanged for something cool. You love your money, right? Well, it loves you, too. It just wants what’s best for you. So, do not let your money down. If you love your money as much as you claim to, you will treat it right and buy some of these exciting products.

Nerf on Steroids

What is better than pretending to kill your friends? Nothing. The inventors of Combatball know this very well. Combatball ($185) is sort of like paintball without the paint, or Lasertag without the lasers. Each two-player set includes two semi-automatic (cock-fire) AK20 200mm guns that fire little Velcro balls, two sets of Velcro-covered body armor, including ninja-style head masks, a bunch of extra balls, and some goggles for good measure. The thing that is great about Combatball is that you can play indoors with a limited amount of post-game cleanup. All you have to do is put the cat outside and shoot away. And, since all of the Velcro balls are weighted for maximum accuracy and velocity, you don’t have to worry about breaking your windows (


Too tired to go to class? Too lazy to go anywhere? Don’t want to miss anything? Then, you are going to want a Nikko camera car. The camera car ($310) is, you guessed it, a remote control car with built-in video camera. The camera transmits a ground-eye view to the handset’s 2.2 inch color monitor, so you can experience what it would be like to drive a car if you were three inches tall. Or use it to spy on your friends. The camera car also has fully functioning headlights. Batteries not included (


Pesticides and herbicides give you cancer, and you want no part of that. What you need is a Bonjour salad spinner ($35). With the simple push of a button, this battery-operated laundromat for fruits and vegetables washes away chemicals, dirt, and bugs of all sizes. The Bonjour salad spinner is special because of its “revolutionary” design (it revolves, get it?). It has a wash through lid and an open/close drain on the bowl that allow you to wash your fruits and vegetables while you spin them. Amaze your friends while you make them dinner (

Light Sabre

It’s late. It’s dark. You are alone and afraid. You need a Commando Flashlight II Stun Gun ($120). The Commando combines three effective Bad Guy deterrents into one convenient package: an industrial strength light, a 130 decibel siren, and a 150 kV stun gun. I know I have trouble carrying around my flashlight, my siren, and my stun gun all at once. Now, I can have all three right in the palm of my hand. Fight crime, stop tripping over empty kegs, or make some noise, it is your choice (

The Moon

Finally, the moon is for sale and, since the UN was not able to ratify the Moon Treaty, part of it could be yours. The Lunar Embassy is selling plots of land on the moon for the low, low price of $30. Even though the Outer Space Treaty of 1967 explicitly forbids any government from claiming a celestial resource such as the Moon or a planet, it says nothing about commercial enterprises or private individuals not being able to claim, exploit, or appropriate celestial bodies for profit. This is where you come in. You give them your credit card number and they give you your own little piece of the heavens, complete with lunar deed, lunar site map, lunar constitution and bill of rights, mineral rights, declaration of ownership, and land registration card. It is up to you to find a ride (

Archived article by Adam Matthews