September 12, 2002

K-Blow's Bright Future

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Thank bloody god that American Idol bullshit is finally over. Honestly, is anyone really going to give a rat’s arse about Kelly Clarkson a few months from now, when the new season of that putrid show starts again? Perhaps, however, that is the point. Perhaps, to be a true idol one must officially have an expiry date, not more than two years from now, stamped on their left bottom.

The truly horrific part of the whole thing, though, is that the show pretty much guarantees some kind of record deal to the rest of the 10 competitors. So in practice we’re not just getting an American idol, we’re getting 9 sodding others who (need be reminded?) L-O-S-T. I suggest an expedient change in the show’s name to An American Idol or Two for Every Season. Of course, there’s always the tour that all 10 of them are contracted to do till December. So none of them will be releasing anything anytime soon though one can almost certainly expect the American Idol Christmas Reunion Special which, fingers crossed, will be hitting stores by Thanksgiving.

At least Ms. Clarkson, (the official winner, should there be any confusion about that), has a considerable amount of talent, but supposedly that’s something the public has only recently started expecting. Demanding buggers! Ms. Clarkson, to her commendation, doesn’t dress very Britney-ish just yet but rest assured she soon will once the corporate wheels of pop cultural cool are done running her over. Soon, Kelly Clarkson will become KY Jello or maybe just K-Lo, those abs will be kicked into shape, the baby pudge will be shed, and that skirt will start to sprout from just below her crotch. At exactly that time, K-Lo will develop a wrinkle which America will discover with the help of an anal probe and that will be the tragic demise of America’s first artificially constructed idol. It’s all a bunch of bollocks in the end but even a bollock is allowed it’s 15 seconds of fame these days and allow it we must.

That said, K-blow will soon have to pay her dues to the following much neglected wizards behind the true ‘American’ idol look and lifestyle:

1. A ‘stylist’ who graduated from the ‘less is less’ school of artful dressing. If said stylist is currently out of stock, then a mother figure who is able to construct a ball gown from back issues of Good Housekeeping and some extraneous tin foil.

2. An emotional fuckwit for a significant other who will divorce, burn, dump, or even die (one can always hope) at roughly the same time when one’s career starts to grow various forms of the commonly recurring bacteria e. ohisuckii, thereby injecting temporary tabloid life into a hopefully soon-to-be extinct career.

3. A business man/woman/astronaut team/company whose sporadic reverse ostrich, ‘head up the arse’ syndrome has given them the vision to enter into restaurant/movie/club deals with said idols giving the temporary illusion that idols are actually entrepreneurs.

It could be worse I suppose — that Justin chap could have won instead and let’s face it, in this town Justin just ain’t quite as cool as K-Lo.

Archived article by Tara Kilachand