September 19, 2002

From the Horse's Mouth

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The Dark Horse’s 12 Step guide to deflating the dark and serious ego:

1) Spend at least two days not uttering a single word and observe your thought flow change to become more fluid and more coherent.

2) Once no longer a teenager, make sure to wear a suit without underwear to discover what it feels like to be a “free adult.”

3) If found in a car with one of those jazz snobs that refuses to even consider listening to anything besides classical and jazz, have a copy of Slayer’s Reign In Blood handy and put it on real loud. Even though you’re not really enjoying it yourself, all the fun is in imagining just what he/she is thinking.

4) Ask a complete and total stranger you’ve been infatuated with on a date despite being sure that rejection is coming your way. It’s strangely satisfying to wholeheartedly swing and miss without meandering on the plate and staring at your feet like an ass.

5) If the stranger above wears rocking shoes swing harder.

6) Have a really long talk with a grandparent about your family tree and do your best to mostly listen.

7) Drive down South, visit a Southern Baptist Church and understand the meaning of soul.

8) Judge and either dismiss or embrace a new acquaintance solely based on their pop culture preferences. Then get to know the person only to discover how wrong you were.

9) Drink for ten plus hours straight — a strange period of sobriety will eventually come over you when the alcohol ceases to inebriate you further and instead provides you with the energy your body is craving due to lack of sleep. The most introspective and wonderful revelations usually follow. Often coupled with hilarious calamities.

10) Get in touch with the cheesy romantic within. Sit down at a most depressing time (i.e. when you’re home sick and finding yourself touched by scenarios on Ricki Lake) and write a page long essay reflecting on the meaning of life. Don’t re-read; just store away for a week to let it ferment. Come back to it in better spirits and it is sure to be the funniest thing you’ve ever written.

11) Find and date a girl that appreciates country music as much as you do.

12) Blow an entire paycheck buying drinks and presents for your friends and then spend two weeks eating Annie’s Mac & Cheese laughing at your own stupidity and not feeling a trace of regret.

Peace, “the dark horse”

Archived article by Maxim Pozdorovkin