September 27, 2002


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Lost in Space

Ever hopeful, N’Sync member Lance Bass has resumed training in Russia’s Star City with hopes of boarding a future space flight.

For those of you who aren’t 10 years old or condemned to the hell that is my Daily Sun career, which requires me to follow N’Sync news on a weekly basis, Bass had plans to fly on a Russian rocket flight in October but was booted after failing to cough up the million dollar payment. He was replaced on the mission list by an extra cargo container.

Meanwhile, Bass’ production company is planning a musical about space — thus proving that Bass’ love of space isn’t just a brief flirtation, but is in fact full-blown obsessive insanity. The show will feature a combination of computer animation and live “actors,” and will be based on the beloved children’s literary classic Nose Pickers from Outer Space.

Compare this to Bass’s bandmate Justin Timberlake’s current project: writing and producing a television message against drinking and driving after a drunk driver ran into a line of Timberlake fans waiting for an autograph. I don’t think Timberlake has to worry about Britney being snatched up by his bandmates anytime soon.


Warner Bros. is finishing talks to secure the film rights to id Software’s hit video game Doom. The studio claims it plans to release a PG-13 movie, apparently avoiding the graphic violence that made the game so controversial.

The 1993 smash hit involved you, the player, in the role of a Space Marine fighting for his life in a research station on Mars that was taken over by demons from Hell. Gameplay consisted of you turning undead zombie soldiers into bloody smears with your sawed-off shotgun and melting vile Cacodemons from the Ninth Circle with your plasma rifle.

Exactly what part of the game is Warner Bros. going to retain for their non-violent movie? I don’t think it’s even legal to use the terms “non-violent” and “Doom,” in the same sentence.

I’ve never understood why people freaked out so much over Doom — it’s not like you were shooting up adorable puppy dogs. These were ravenous, infernal demonspawn from the depths of Hell you were blowing away here. It’s anti-Satan — you’d think Middle America would promote that kind of thing.

Besides, if you did a study I’m pretty sure you’ll find things like musicals called Nose Pickers from Outer Space inspire more violent rampages than first person shooters.

Fighting Mad

Two men were recently arrested in San Diego for paying street people to fight each other and filming it for fun and profit. The videos are being sold over an internet site spoofing Fight Club, which I’m actually glad I found as it won me a bet with my friend that there’s stuff on the net more tasteless than bondage bestiality nun porn.

According to E! Online, the enterprising duo was busted in San Diego and “charged with conspiracy, solicitation of a felony crime and illegally paying people to fight.”

If convicted, I suggest the pair be forced to use special Fight Club bars of soap designed with extra slickness for enhanced dropability. It’ll give them the chance to feel what it’s like to be used for other people’s amusement.

Archived article by Matt Chock