September 27, 2002

Gotta Have It

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With summer’s end fast approaching, I can not help but think of two things: winter and the Apocalypse. One is cold. One is hot. And, at this point, neither can be avoided. Winter comes each year without fail, but the Apocalypse is a little tricky. By my calculations, we have staved off our annihilation by almost three years now, and I fear our time may be running out. Every once in a while, I accidentally turn on CNN and things don’t look so good. Oh, winter is coming alright: Nuclear Winter! The good news is that with a little forethought and planning ahead spring will be here just about when your lesions start to heal. So, this week I’ve brought together the goods you’ll need to see you through whichever winter we end up getting. And remember, before you catch that first flake of snow on your tongue, make sure that the temperature outside is below 500 million degrees. Fallout has a bad aftertaste.

Outlast the Roaches

When it all comes crashing down, you’re going to need a place to run and hide. I recommend the Radius Engineering Inc. P10 Disaster Shelter. This prefabricated egg-shaped unit can comfortably support ten adults for long stretches of time in its spacious 1337 cubic feet interior. The P10 has military grade air and water filtration systems, 30 days of electricity, a sink, a shower, a toilet, plenty of storage, and a money back guarantee (wink, wink). The radiation and horrible loss of human life will seem miles away when you’re safely housed twenty feet beneath the earth’s charred crust. Get yours today, only $53,100 plus shipping and handling. (radiusdefense.com)

Outsmart the Timber Wolves

In case it snows before the bomb drops, Norquest Innovation would like to inform you of their new Polardome. The Polardome is an igloo in a box. You just have to add the snow. Each kit comes with snow structuring panels, gauging probes, and a door. The Explorer model sleeps 3-5 adults, is six feet tall, and takes only one and a half hours to build. And unlike your homemade igloos, the Polardome won’t collapse on you out of nowhere and make you pee your pants anytime you come into contact with a snow cone.(polardome.com)

Scurvy

Do feel weak? Do you have pain in your joints? Do you have raised red spots on your legs, buttocks, arms, and back? Have you noticed that you have been losing more teeth than usual lately? Well then, you might have scurvy. It’s not just for pirates anymore. If you’ve ever taken a look at the packages of mac and cheese and ramen filling your cupboards, you’ll notice that they don’t have a heck of a lot of vitamin C. And you need vitamin C. Not only does the big C ward off the scurvy, but it also lowers the risk of some cancers, it plays a role in the manufacture of the neurotransmitter necessary for the conversion of tryptophan to serotonin and of tyrosine to dopamine and adrenaline, and it is important to the synthesis of adrenal hormones. And, oh yeah, it can keep you from getting colds too. The best vitamin C you can get is ascorbyl palmitate, or fat soluble vitamin C. Unlike its water-soluble cousin, ascorbyl palmitate won’t get flushed out of your body each time you use the outhouse, giving it the time it needs to its work. Stay strong all winter long. (netrition.com)

Your New Bathing Suit

When you finally get the guts to leave the hole in the ground you now call home, you’re going to need some new clothes. The vitamin C might keep the colds away, unless you want some extra fingers or toes, you’re going to need a Level A protective suit. Only a Level-A protective suit will keep you safe from the aftereffects of chemical, biological, and maybe nuclear weapons. I say maybe for nuclear weapon aftereffects because I couldn’t find anyone who made a long-term radiation resistant suit I would trust. Based on my research, I would get one from Super Nova, for biological and chemical protection, and I would contact the Russian Aviation and Space Agency and see if I could cut a deal for a space suit. They seem to sell just about anything for the right price. Plus, it just be sweet to own a space suit. (protectivesuits.com) & (rosaviakosmos.ru)

Jingle Bells

Finally, if all goes well and all we end up with is snow up to our asses, you’re going to need a new sled. I recommend the eight-foot Sno-Toys Toboggan ($225). It is constructed of select white ash hardwood, can seat up to six people, and from what I’ve heard it’s faster than a greased pig. So, gather all of your friends, quit complaining about the weather, and enjoy having the earth all in one piece while you still can. (sno-toys.com)


Archived article by Adam Matthews