October 10, 2002

Entertainment News

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Limp Appearance

MTV Online reports that during a surprise appearance on TRL yesterday, Limp Bizkit “frontman” Fred Durst revealed he appears on Christina Aguilera’s next album, Stripped. He claims the contribution a result of the pair putting “all the drama” behind them.

I think what he actually meant to say was the contribution and TRL appearance are a result of him being a fucking no-talent poser

Beats the Classifieds

Russia’s biggest television station, the cleverly named Channel 1 (ORT), announced earlier this week that it was teaming up with the Russian Space Agency to produce a reality game show where contestants compete for seats on shuttles travelling to the International Space Station.

If you’re looking for slightly more practical prizes, Sony Pictures Television just acquired the international rights to Human Resources, an Argentinian reality show where unemployed contestants compete for jobs, employee benefits, and of course, cash and fabulous prizes. It’s like any other gameshow, except instead of the winners using their prize money to take a dream vacation to Europe, they’re using it to feed their starving families for another month.

The show is apparently a major hit in the country, where almost half the population is jobless. Hey, I’ve just figured out why nobody in the White House gives a fuck that the U.S. economy is going down the shitter: Bush and his economic advisors must have controlling interest in Sony Pictures Television.

Public Relations

E! Online is reporting that reps from the government’s Voice of America and other U.S.-sponsored international broadcast programs recently met with Hollywood execs to get insight on starting an Arabic-language TV network to run against Al Jazeera. As we all know, Hollywood executives are the world’s foremost experts on Middle Eastern culture. Al Jazeera is currently the Middle East’s 24-hour news outlet.

Hey, you know what else might help us improve our image in the Middle East? This is just a wild guess, mind you: not declaring fucking war on fucking Iraq without fucking U.N. consent. Remember, that’s just a hunch.

About Time

Jackie Chan has finally received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame last Friday. E! Online reports that to show his appreciation, Chan announced that he’d make better movies.

I can help you out with keeping that promise, Jackie, with this simple plan. Step one: never deal with Hollywood again, unless the project involves unleashing a horrific kung-fu beating on the execs that thought it was a good idea to make The Tuxedo. Really, what kind of stupidity does it take to mishandle an international superstar like Chan? Why haven’t the people responsible for these things been fallen into tar pits or eaten by wombats years ago?

Can’t Beat Monty Python

Steven Spielberg and Jerry Bruckheimer are both developing features on King Arthur. Both claim they’re taking a historical approach without the mysticism usually associated with the tale. That means no Round Table, Excalibur, or Merlin.

Bruckheimer’s version apparently says Arthur was a Roman and his Knights were actually Russian. This is a Bruckheimer film, so by the final edit Excalibur will be a high-caliber machine gun, Queen Guinevere a hooker with a heart of gold, and playing the role of Lancelot: the black guy with the funny accent.

Archived article by Matt Chock