October 24, 2002

Gotta Have It

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Electricity. Ben Franklin supposedly tried to catch it with a key tied to a kite. A kid from my high school tried to eat it when he was a kid (imagine: toddler biting extension cord) and got a cool scar on the corner of his mouth. From one of the greatest minds in history on down to a kid with a scar on his mouth, one thing is certain: people just can’t get enough of electricity. It lights our homes, cooks our food, and powers all of our toys. This week, I salute electricity with the hope of increasing your appreciation of how great it is not to be Amish.

Light a Match

Are you used to living with roommates that eat nothing but baked beans, chili, and blocks of cheese? Well, you my friend need an Incinolet ($1579). Not only has this company invented a new word, but they have also found a way to electrify the toilet experience. Here’s how it works. First, you put down a paper lining. Next, you do your business and push a button. Then, while you walk away five pounds lighter, the Incinolet incinerates your waste cleanly and efficiently. All that’s left is some ass ash. I made that one up myself. All you have to do is figure out how to lift this thing onto your neighbor’s porch this Halloween. (incinolet.com)

Ra, the Sun God

So, you’re at the beach when a shark attacks, but your cell phone is dead. Don’t fret. Brunton’s Solarport 2.2 ($95) is here to save the day. The Solarport 2.2 is a portable solar cell that connects to any cellular phone, laptop computer, GPS unit, PDA, portable mp3/md/cd/cassette player, or handheld game. All you do is open it up, plug it in, and pray for sun. So what do you do if Jaws is still munching away and some clouds roll in? As long as you have a Nokia cell phone, you’ll be able to talk for minutes upon minutes with a new Nokia phone charger that runs your phone on one 9V battery. I’m not sure if this device is endorsed by Nokia, but at least it fits on a key chain. (brunton.com) and (gizmos-uk.com)

Static Electrick

Little cousins or siblings can get on your nerves, but you’ll never realize how useful they can be until disaster strikes. When a blackout hits and you need to find your way to the bathroom, just hand little Tommy a light bulb powered by static electricity. Available through sciencekit.com and disguised as a science experiment, these handy little bulbs work beautifully, especially if Tommy is wearing some of those pajamas with built-in feet. Give Tommy some chocolate and you’ll be sure to have more light than you’ll ever need. (sciencekit.com)

Why Not?

Ok, you’re at the beach again and it’s cloudy. There aren’t any sharks around, but you do want to make your friends some drinks and the extension cords just won’t reach. Instead of walking all the way back to your bungalow, just haul out your Daiquiri Whacker ($259). When our beloved friend electricity just isn’t an option, we can always rely on gasoline. Sporting a Homelite 25cc powerstroke engine, the Daiquiri Whacker will mix your favorite frozen drinks faster than a chainsaw through warm butter. Just pull the start cord, throw in your ingredients, and hold on to the motorcycle handlebars. As an added bonus, all of your drinks will now be as flammable as they are delicious. Enjoy! (gasblender.com)

Archived article by Adam Matthews