November 7, 2002


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Winona Ryder was found guilty yesterday of felony grand theft and vandalism. Ryder was cleared of burglary, the third and last count facing her. E! Online reported that jurors apparently didn’t believe that the actress’ shoplifting spree was premeditated. The actress could face up to three years in prison.

Can we lock up Jennifer Love Hewitt instead?

He’ll Be Back

Arnold Schwarzenegger successfully pushed a proposition in California requiring the state to spend up to $550 million a year to fund programs providing tutoring, homework assistance and educational enrichment to California’s elementary and junior high school students. That certainly makes up for Kindergarten Cop.

The ballot initiative was widely seen as a dry-run for a 2006 gubernatorial bid. I think he should just jump straight into the Presidential arena. If this country’s hell-bent on going to war with Iraq, who would you rather have leading the way: a daddy’s boy from Yale who ran from Vietnam, or the Terminator?

Dance, Puppets, Dance!

For those of you who just can’t get enough Reality TV, Fox is offering Married by America, which sets up singles in arranged marriages. Fox reality chief Mike Darnell told Variety the show introduces men and women “who are tired of the dating scene and open to the idea of having a marriage arranged for them.” Nice to see people are still willing to sell their free will and self-respect for 15-minutes of fame.

ABC, meanwhile, is offering The Will. The show revolves around a wealthy benefactor who uses a game-show style contest between his relatives to decide who gets his fortune.

Fox is also finalizing the tentatively titled Second Chance, featuring washed-up pop stars (ala Vanilla Ice) get a shot at revitalizing their career. A show about people nobody wanted to see in the first place? That’s going to be a real ratings grabber.

Real Reality TV

For their next trick, comedic magic duo Penn & Teller will be appearing in a new Showtime program where they’ll use their knowledge of magic and con-artistry to unveil the scams behind things like TV psychics, alien abductions, and new-wave fad religions. The premier will reveal that Reality TV executives are actually Al Qaeda terrorists sent to undermine the U.S. by dumbing-down Americans.

Violent Reaction

In response to the recent sniper rampage Wal-Mart yanked several video games off of store shelves. The games in question include Rainbow Six, a game based on Tom Clancy’s popular novel about an elite squad of anti-terrorist.

An MSNBC article quoted Bobbie Harkey, a Wal-Mart customer, as saying, “If the snipers didn’t have violence in their life, I don’t think they’d be as violent as they are. I agree wholeheartedly with Wal-Mart in taking the video games off. And I think they should stay off.”

My god, these people are right! John Allen Muhammad would never have been exposed to violence without video games! He certainly wouldn’t have encountered any during his time as a U.S. Marine.

Derrick Bartlett, president of the American Sniper Association and executive director of Snipercraft Inc., a firm that trains police snipers, agrees. He’s quoted in a Washington Post article last month saying that the snipers could have learned their deadly skills in “any video arcade.”

Archived article by Matt Chock