November 7, 2002

Figner Lake'n Good

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Candy is fucking great. Not that rubbish stuff you get in those massive packages at Halloween, but proper real candy. The squashy watermelon thingys with sugar on them, the big gooey Swedish fish that get stuck in your teeth or even those gigantic chunks of chocolate that take ages to consume. If there’s one thing Americans can make, it’s candy (not chocolate). Fuck that low calorie bullshit. Candy is best when its 100% PURE SUGAR and anyone who even attempts at making the perfect ‘sugar-free’ candy should be shot. Those rail-thin Cornellians can keep their frozen yogurt shenanigans to themselves. Though on that note, I would like to point out for all those diet conscious skinny minnies out there, when one heaps on 10 tons of Snickers, chocolate, and nut toppings on the yogurt it does actually defeat the purpose of a ‘low calorie’ sin. Apparently, this has been a source of intense puzzlement for some people who just can’t seem to figure out where all that extra poundage is coming from. Lord alone knows, its certainly not coming from their brains. For the rest of us here’s a list, in no particular order, of the 4 best places in Ithaca that will have the dentists in their Malibu dream houses by the end of the year:

The Cornell Store

Who knew they had candy? Well, technically speaking they really don’t. Its the little convenient store inside the Cornell Store that really has the goods. Not a fantastic selection mind you, but this is the Cornell Store after all. Swedish fish, malt balls, yogurt covered pretzels and even a variety of funky Japanese ‘party mix’ stuff that tends to blend rather well with jelly bellies when crammed in your mouth at the same time. A word to the wise: the jelly bean mix actually goes hideously well with beer and cheap wine but never, never attempt to eat a bunch of the cinnamon ones with anything, least of all alcohol.

College Town Bagels

They don’t really have a candy section per se but most people tend to miss the four bins of Jelly Bellies that stand next to the freezers. Green apple, fruit pastel types, cappuccino and a mixed selection. The cappuccino ones taste like caffeine pills so if you’re into that kind of thing, then these should satisfy your cravings. They do tend to resemble rabbit shit though, so I’d be careful about errantly stuffing them into your mouth in social situations. Double props to CTB for being the only store in the whole of Ithaca that also keeps chupa chups.

In the latest update from the Jelly Belly people there’s a new line of Harry Potter type ‘Bertie Bott’ jelly beans on the market. Flavors include vomit, booger, sardines, earwax, and dirt.


Clearly the winner in both categories, variety and quality. Wegmans has an impressively large candy section — big fish, little fish, green ones and red, chocolate and caramel, you’ll go through them all. Of course they do have the odd dried pieces of what look like the ravished meat of some desiccated animal thrown in there for effect. A rather industrious looking candy cleaner when questioned on their contents replied, ‘fruit?’ in a vague and disturbing tone. Apparently that’s what they were once. A looong time ago.

On a cautionary note, I would advise using discretionary methods when attempting to ‘outsmart’ the Wegmans staff by stuffing a candy bag with 5 more tons of candy after you’ve weighed and priced it with only 3 ounces in there. Unbelievably they tend to get rather nasty about it — if one has the misfortune of getting caught. Not that that’s something I would know anything about