November 7, 2002

Gotta Have It

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I don’t know who you are or where you’re from, but if you are reading this, chances are that you would rather be somewhere other than Ithaca right now. A tropical island perhaps, or the rain forest? How about stuck in the middle of the Sahara with no water and no camel and a mouthful of sand? Or, maybe just frying at the center of the Sun? Well, tough luck. You’re stuck here. Even though there may be no escaping this black hole, there are products and services out there that can make you forget all your troubles. And, yes, they are legal.

Deprive Your Senses

If you’re claustrophobic, siting in a pitch-black plastic capsule filled with lukewarm water is most likely the last place you would ever want to be. But, if you’re ripping out your hair and grinding your teeth into dust, maybe you need to disconnect from the world for awhile. I suggest you take a short three-hour trip to Port Jervis, NY and visit the Bodyworks Spa. They have a top-of-the-line flotation sensory deprivation chamber that will leave you feeling relaxed, refreshed, and rejuvenated. For fifty dollars an hour, they will lock you up and make you forget your name. You could just fill your bathtub with water and cover yourself up with some plywood, but I’ve seen your bathtub and it ain’t pretty.

In Your Face

Have you ever seen those guys who can balance ladders or small cars on their chins and wished you were so talented? Well, with the Cy-Visor you can instantly have the power to balance a 45-inch big screen television on your face. The Cy-Visor looks like a pair of virtual reality goggles and that is virtually what it is. All you have to do is strap it on your grill, plug into your television, VCR, DVD player, computer, or favorite gaming system, and prepare yourself for the viewing experience of a lifetime. You’ll get an image only 1.44 million pixels can offer, full stereo sound, and freedom from having to sit up. Being lazy never looked so good. (

The Open Road

Are you tired of sitting around in your mansion all day, sipping old wine, and lighting your cigars with $100 bills? Then, why not take a gander at Country Coach’s Provost Conversion model motorcoach ($967,380)? The days when you needed musical talent to live like a rock star are long gone. The Provost Conversion motorcoach is forty-five feet long, has almost seven feet of headroom, and boasts a whopping 500HP. The interior is fully customizable and features a 42″ plasmavison television, solid wood cabinetry, a washer and dryer, wall-to-wall carpeting, and more leather than a weekend rodeo. And, so you don’t feel like Will Smith has the one up on you, the cabin expands to nearly twice its size with the touch of a button. Finally, you’ll get the chance to see the how the little people live without having to leave the luxury you have come to take for granted. Good day, Mr. Smith! (

A Place to Chill

If you just need a place to relax and adding an addition to your apartment isn’t in your budget, the Chill Room may be just what you’re looking for. At six feet in diameter, this inflatable human hamster wheel is the perfect getaway spot for someone who just can’t go anywhere. The Chill Room is a spherical solitude bubble constructed of durable white plastic cushions with a few clear cushions acting as a window for those of you still afraid of the dark. And, since it is round and thus portable, you can set it up anywhere your little heart desires. Finally, you will have comfortable place to unwind and get away from it all. Or, you can just pretend you are a sperm.

Archived article by Adam Matthews