November 22, 2002

Gotta Have It

Print More

Scientists estimate that over 60,000 people will need the Heimlich maneuver performed on them this Thanksgiving. Of those 60,000, approximately 95% will choke because they were excessively thankful. The other 5% will need to be rescued from death’s doorstep simply because they were competing in eating contests with friends and relatives. Whether you are the one giving or receiving the Heimlich this Thanksgiving, remember one thing: Aim for the kiddie table. They won’t mind the splatter as much, and it will give them something to chat about while all the grownups pass out while watching football. Today, in honor of America’s favorite legal drug, tryptophan, I’ve brought together all the supplies you’ll need to do Turkey Day up right.

The Bird

Thanksgiving isn’t worth its giblets unless you have a turkey. A big turkey. The best turkeys around are freerange. These birds are bigger, healthier, and are never frozen. While you could go the Butterball route, you would just be making yourself more work and robbing yourself of some major flava. Willie Bird Turkeys of Sonoma, CA will ship you a fresh freerange turkey overnight to your doorstep just in time for the big day. Sizes range from 10 to 22 pounds and each and every one is guaranteed to be moist and delicious. The best part of all is that since these turkeys are never frozen, they don’t have to be thawed and will cook in a fraction of the time needed for a frozen bird. Those extra hours will come in handy when you’re trying to make your pilgrim costume even better than last year. Paper buckles be damned. (

The Fryer’s Club

Does your oven just bore you to tears? Well, now you have another option this Thanksgiving, and its name is the Brinkmann Turkey Fryer. With a capacity of twenty-four quarts, this modern marvel can handle just about any bird you throw its way. All you have to do is fill the cauldron with oil, season your turkey to taste, and fry it like a mozzarella stick. The Brinkmann Turkey Fryer fires at 180,000 BTUs and comes complete with a straining basket and an extra large thermometer. As an added bonus, they’ll also send you their world famous Turkey Rub’N’Spice. Ooh, that’s nice. (

Thanksgiving on the Go

If you don’t have the time to fry a turkey this year, just call up Boston Market. They have a plethora of holiday packages available. I recommend the Grand Banquet, a meal that lives up to its name and feeds twenty-four. You get your choice of four turkey breasts, one whole ham, or two turkey breasts and one half of a ham. The deal also includes twelve extra large side dishes and twenty-four pieces of cornbread. And, if that still isn’t enough, you can add whatever else you need a l