February 13, 2003

Viewer Discresion Advised

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In determining what Valentines’ Day movies to rent, men are often beset by this realization: Valentines’ Day requires romantic movies, but, unfortunately, romantic movies are generally for sissies. Now before you rush out and rent Robocop to offset this predicament, here are a few highly-rentable movies that combine misogyny and expletives in the most romantic fashion:

Coyote Ugly

Women and men denigrate themselves through a variety of means, including alcohol, dancing, and some sort of hilarious combination of the two. But, hey, before you start slinging charges of sexism, or even worse, banality, remember that the girls of the Coyote Ugly bar, including Piper Perabo, are only doing it for love…the love of alcohol (and art or something). Don’t worry, though, it’s not like the movie’s for the lowest common denominator or anything. If the women own the bar, they can do whatever they want, right? If they want to take off their shirts, it’s their own perogative. It even supports family values! It’s not particularly romantic, but it awkwardly pretends like it is, which is half the struggle.

Fellini Satyricon

After Juliet of the Spirits, a tribute to Fellini’s wife, there was really only one place to go: Roman depravity. If one ignores the characters, mostly hermaphrodites and pedophiles, there’s a lot of pretty hues of red and blue to look at. It’s historical too, based on Petronius’ infamous text. For example, you’ll learn how to creep in dark orgies and kill people on boats. Just like the traditional romantic comedy, two men fight for the love of a beautiful woman … or little boy, whatever.


The quintessential Hollywood romantic comedy has a lot of tender words and tense stares between Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman. But it’s not just love in the air; there’s also fascism. More gunfire and unrestrained passion than the heart can handle.

You’ve Got Mail

If you like operating systems and DOS, but your girlfriend likes cute, predictable romances, this is your movie. Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan are bitter enemies in real life, but their online identities pine for one another. You can regale your lover with stories of what version of Microsoft Outlook they’re using, while she swoons at the honest emotions in a love that knows no electronic bounds.

Archived article by Jason Mednick