February 20, 2003

Gotta Have It

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Spring Break is a mere three weeks away, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have time to earn some extra cash for airfare, lodging, and bail money. Now, you could take on a second job selling bowling balls door to door or try to steal a roll of scratch-off lottery tickets, but that would be taking the easy way out. Use your imagination. There are plenty of opportunities out there for you to provide a necessary service to your community while fattening your pockets. But, in case you don’t have an imagination, I have rounded up a selection of certified moneymakers that will ensure your Spring Break is off the hook.

Jack Frost

Have you ever seen this movie? It’s about this serial killer who is genetically mutated in a car wreck on the way to his execution. After the wreck, he becomes a murdering snowman hell-bent on revenge. Anyway, you’ll have plenty of time to figure out how this movie was funded when your working the perfect winter get rich sort of quick scheme. First, hire that nice man who steals your recycling every week. Agree to give him a 25% share in your business if he’ll shovel driveways for you every morning. This may take some time and some carefully chosen words, but you’re cunning, right? Next, break out your Backyard Blizzard Home Snowmaker in the middle of the night and re-snow all the driveways. The next day, send your shovel man back out into the cold. Repeat this process everyday until you get caught. The viability of this scheme depends on your ability to make your own snow, and with the Backyard Blizzard Home Snowmaker you are guaranteed success. It has been engineered with the highest quality components and has the same technology as industrial models used at premier ski resorts worldwide. It features two _ horsepower motors and can make 50 cubic feet of snow per hour. All you need is a garden hose and an electric outlet. It’s snow time! (backyardblizzard.com)

Forever and Ever

Ok, if the whole snowmaking thing doesn’t work out, there’s still hope. Each Friday and Saturday night hundreds of your fellow inebriated college students are thrust out into the cold dark night at 1 AM with one thing on their minds. That’s right, getting tattoos. And, since the closest licensed tattoo parlor is out of walking distance, you’ll be assured plenty of customers once you get the V-tek Professional Tattoo Kit from Superiortattoo.com. The kit comes complete with a V-tek tattoo machine equipped with a stainless steel diamond lining tube, grip and a single needle, one ink cap holder, 100 ink caps, fourteen 1/2oz bottles of Prizm tattoo color, a six pack of needles, surgical latex gloves, and a pack of rubber bands. What’s that you say? You don’t know how to give tattoos and you have no artistic ability whatsoever? Seriously, don’t worry about it. At first, just tell people that you specialize in back tattoos, and eventually you’ll get the hang of it. The thought of all those butterflies and tribal armbands brings a tear to my eye. (superiortattoo.com)

The Best Waiting Room

Rather than making your tattoo patrons wait in your kitchen and risk losing your leftovers, why not find a way to keep them occupied and make more money? That’s a great idea, and Jolly Jumps Inc. is here to help. They sell those inflatable jumping structures you find at your finest carnivals. You know, you climb inside some netting and jump around, trying not to crack your skull or land in pee. Anyway, Jolly Jump offers models in a variety of different styles including: racecar, spaceship, puppy palace, pirate, jungle, crayon castle, dinosaur, alien, and the scariest of all, circus clown. Just pick one out, set it up in your backyard, and charge five bucks a pop. You’ll have an instant waiting room for your tattoo shop, another source of income, and a place to keep your monkey. (jollyjumpsinc.com)

Liquid Gold

Alright, so you hate the cold and don’t like to take advantage of homeless people, and you are afraid that your microwave won’t kill hepatitis, and you were kidnapped by carnies as a toddler. Well, there’s still a way for you to pull in some moola, as long as you aren’t allergic to bee stings. The folks at Beeequipment.com know that honey is a goldmine, and they’re more than happy to offer you everything you need to start your own hive. The have several styles of bee hives, protective clothing, smokers, tools, books, charts, videos, candle supplies, hive beetles, extractors, storage tanks and everything else you will need. In a week or two, you’ll be selling honey by the gallon, candles by the fistful, and swimming around in loot. And, if you get bored you can always try to impress the ladies with a beard made out of bees. Good luck and happy money hunting! (beeequipment.com)

Archived article by Adam Matthews