February 27, 2003

Gotta Have It

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Alright, so my birthday is next week, and I just thought I’d take this opportunity to exploit what little power I have to make a short list of some things I would like you all to buy me. Nothing too crazy, just some things that will make my life a little better in the next year. On my last birthday, I was stuck at dinner with my closest friends. Not that they’re not cool and all, but I see their miserable faces every single day. Some of them liked me enough to get me presents and I ate for free, but no one went that extra mile. Here’s to hoping that this year proves to be different.

Moon Walk

Ok, you can cram all the Lance Bass jokes before they start. So, I want to go to space, big deal. This present may be a little extravagant, but if you all combine your funds this could happen. Seriously, who wouldn’t want to go to space? Never mind that I could feed hundreds of thousands of dying children with a fraction of the cost it will take to put me into orbit. I want to float, and there isn’t any one of you that’s going to stop me. All I need you to do is get all your money and contact Incredible-Adventures.com. They don’t guarantee that the Russians will let you tag along with their Cosmonauts, but they’ll do everything they can to help you get there. For $179,000, you receive medical qualification for space travel, hypobaric altitude chamber testing, hands-on simulator training, Orlan space suit training, centrifuge training, vestibular training, personal zero-gravity flight, instruction and sample space mission in a hydrolab, and a flight to the edge of space in a Russian MiG-25. Once I make it through all of that, somebody out there who speaks Russian will have to help me set up the rest of the details. I think a realistic goal is for you all to help me do this for my birthday this year, and actually send me to space next year. Hey, I’m reasonable. (incredible-adventures.com)


Before we go any farther, I want you to know that I’m comfortable with the fact that I’ll never see space, or get to float, or know what it is like to live my greatest dream. Because of this, I’ve lowered my expectations a little with this one. All I am asking for this time is a golf cart tricked out to look like a Hummer. The folks at Ultragolfcarts.com offer the Humdinger to those of us on a budget with money to waste on golf carts, or to people like you who need to buy birthday presents. The golf cart of golf carts is available in a standard four-seater ($15,750), as well as a limo six-seater ($17,750). Each Humdinger is available in gas or electric models. Both accelerate from 0-24 mph in 9 seconds and have a range of approx. 30 miles (electric) or 200 miles (gas). You can choose from a wide selection of features, including lights, a horn, a trunk, off-road tires, seat belts, and hydraulic shock absorbers. If you make this happen, and buy me the six-seater, I promise to give five of you rides to campus each day until the end of the year for a dollar each. (ultragolfcarts.com)

The River Never Sleeps

I love to swim. In fact, I could swim all day and night without ever stopping. I could swim forever if it was possible. So, if you won’t get me my mini-hummer, at least get me my own mini-river. Endlesspools.com sells pools with their very own current generators. All you do is hop in, turn it on, and you can swim in one direction as hard as you can for as long as you like. Even though they are only 8 by 15 feet, the pools still provide all the benefits of a full-size pool and will work equally well for my swimming, my aquatic exercise regimen, and my physical therapy for the broken back I received in an old motorcycle accident. The speed and temperature are fully adjustable, and the pools can be easily modified to fit in an existing space like a garden, garage, basement, patio, or sunroom. A mini-river isn’t space, but I’ll take it anyway. (endlesspools.com)

Guten Tag

Now, if everything else falls through, the least you can do is send me on a trip. And, with Travelchums.com you might even introduce me to a new friend or two. I’m hoping to meet three old German guys who can help me buy some new threads and show me around Oktoberfest in style. Travelchums.com offers a variety of options for people traveling alone. If you’re single, they will help you find like-minded travel companions whose personalities, interests, and travel plans mesh with yours. If you are married or in a long term relationship and your spouse or partner can’t get away, has different interests, or doesn’t like to travel, they will help you find a person to travel with whose situation is similar. Travel chums can also hook you up with people to show you around foreign cities, and show you things from a local’s point of view. I’m not sure if I know anyone who would agree to this in the states, but I’m hoping I can meet at least one hospitable foreigner to help me out. And, just in case you don’t hear from me for awhile, rest assured that things have gone horribly wrong and I’m trapped in a dungeon or doing hard labor in a sweatshop. If I do end up in a sweatshop, which I would prefer over the dungeon, I promise to bring you back a soccer ball or a new pair of shoes as soon as I make my escape. (travelchums.com)

Archived article by Adam Matthews