April 1, 2003

C.U. Drinking Water Unsafe

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Health inspectors from the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) issued a third warning about the safety of Cornell’s drinking water at a press conference yesterday in Ithaca City Hall.

EPA spokesperson Larry S. Dohn said that his agency had detected the presence of .66 parts per billion (ppb) of hallucinogenic acid in the water, far above the EPA standard of .15 ppb.

The latest advisory comes after two earlier e-mails sent to all staff, faculty and students warned that Ithaca’s water contained excessive amounts of haloacetic acids. At the press conference, vice president for administration and chief financial officer Harold D. Craft told students to disregard earlier advisories.

“We’re very sorry for the miscommunication and we hope no one was adversely affected,” he said. “The previous e-mails were actually mistyped by a staff member who has been targeted for termination.”

Hotel School Prof. Larry Sweetwater, food and beverage, said that the tap could only be harmful if consumed in very large quantities, about three chugs from a water fountain a day.

Gannett: Cornell University Health Services is asking students to try and identify symptoms in those possibly affected. Symptoms include public displays of frenzied behavior, abnormal heart rates and uncontrollable discharge. Anyone suspected of having too much water should report to Gannett immediately for an enema.

Upon learning of the gaffe, one student who quickly ran away said, “I’m freaking out, man.”

Near the city’s water treatment facili C officials investigated whether the acids could be caused by the decay of a long-forgotten East Asian rhinoceros.

Flavors at Gannett include vanilla, double chocolate (not recommend

Zap! You’ve been hit by the APRIL FOOL’S ISSUE of the Cornell Daily Sun. Please, don’t sue for libel.

Archived article by Peter Norlander