April 1, 2003

Enraged Rawlings Occupies Day Hall

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President Hunter R. Rawlings III, who has been occupying Day Hall for 2,830 consecutive days, expressed disappointment yesterday over his forced removal scheduled for June 30.

Barricaded in his office, Rawlings issued a statement to the press with his demands.

“In my time as president of the University, I have come to take for granted certain privileges — namely free housing, limousine service and a generous salary — which I realize that I will have to sacrifice when I peacefully leave Day Hall in two months,” he stated.

Rawlings continued, “Fortunately, my impending leave of absence as president of Cornell will also give me the freedom to pursue other interests.”

Rawlings then listed 67 items, in verse, that he wishes to accomplish during his lifetime. Beginning the list was a free-verse poem expressing his desire to engage in political activity:

“O, to pine for peace! / The road to war will lead to gaol,” Rawlings opined in a classically inspired couplet.

Also included in his list were other desires, including smoking dope on the Slope and becoming president of Harvard.

Zap! You’ve been hit by the APRIL FOOL’S ISSUE of the Cornell Daily Sun. Please, don’t sue for libel.

Archived article by Andy Guess

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