April 1, 2003

Rawlings to Students: 'Dry Up'

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Slope Day, a celebratory tradition dating back over 30 years, will be a sober function this year, according to an interoffice confidential memo obtained by The Sun yesterday afternoon.

In the memo, dated March 28, President Hunter R. Rawlings III wrote to Provost Bidddy (Carolyn A.) Martin, “With less than five weeks left to establish my legacy, the issue of drunken debauchery on the Slope must be addressed. It is therefore my mandate that May 2 be a sober day for all Cornellians.”

The decision to “cancel” Slope Day also comes after a storm of negative backlash last month to Rawling’s recommendations to the Slope Day Steering Committee.

Rawlings’ memo said of the Steering Committee: “It’ll be easy to lay the blame on the Student Council for this, they’re so dumb.”

“Cornell students must act like tomorrow’s leaders. They have got to sober up and for Christ’s sake, can’t they keep their trousers buckled for one day?” he added.

An anonymous informant said, “To be honest with you, Rawlings cares very little about the needs of students. That’s why the weather sucks. He has powers you don’t even want to know about.”

Vice president for University relations Henrik N. Dullea ’61 had no comment. “How the hell did you get a copy of that memo anyway?” he added off the record.

Bangs Ambulance Service said they were disturbed by Rawlings’ memo as their services rendered on Slope Day are responsible for half their annual profit.

While the details are still unclear, it appears that Rawlings’ intentions are of the most nefarious nature.

In one part of the memo, Rawlings wrote: “I didn’t have fun at college Why should they?”

Zap! You’ve been hit by the APRIL FOOL’S ISSUE of the Cornell Daily Sun. Please, don’t sue for libel.

Archived article by Marc Zawel