April 2, 2003

Graap '86 Resigns as Women's Lax Coach

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It appears that not even the Ivy League is safe from the newest wave of athletic scandals that have been sweeping the nation. Head women’s lacrosse coach, Jenny Graap ’86, was implicated in a still unfolding scandal, yesterday, amid allegations of illegal recruiting practices and use of banned substances.

“This is ridiculous,” said Graap. “My players are just playing to the best of their abilities … performance enhancing drugs and kickbacks have never been involved in this program.”

Graap was accused yesterday of violating 23 NCAA regulations, including those forbidding coaches purchasing gifts for recruits. A 1999 Cornell Athletics report recently found that the coach had fudged the numbers of her expense account to buy cars, real estate and new dresses in order to impress future players.

Coupled with the news, broken by The Ithaca Journal, were the facts that Lori Wohlschlegel ’02 and Jaimee Reynolds ’02 were actually not even eligible for NCAA competition due to the SAT requirements.

“This comes as a complete shock to me,” said Athletic Director Andy Noel. “All this time, I thought that Jaimeeganleong Soohoo Reynolds was one of the most brilliant and gifted athletes to ever grace the turf on Scheolkopf Field.

“My God,” he added, “A 4.0 GPA and the NCAA’s New York State Woman of the Year finalist? I should have known it was just too good to be true.”

Rumblings of scandal originally surfaced a few weeks ago, when the current team reached the 4-0 mark on the season. Fans and critics alike all wondered how Graap had managed to build such a team, despite the loss of all-stars Reynolds and Wohlschlegel.

“It’s just impossible to build a team that good when you lose so many talented players,” said Princeton head coach Chris Sailer. “Unless of course you violate NCAA regulations. And I’m sure Jenny has.”

Graap responded to Sailer, noting again that the allegations were false, by suggesting that the attacks from New Jersey were actually just a Princeton Ploy to remove Graap before Friday’s matchup.

“Chris is just afraid of finally losing to me,” said Graap. “She knows that the Tiger’s defense can’t handle the Averson–Holveck duo. They’re all that and a bag of chips.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: April Fools! We got you this time. This story is not real.

Archived article by Snug Ette