September 2, 2003

Sunspots

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Confused freshmen have been inundating Cornell Information Technologies with calls asking where to return their network cables — which they’ll need all year to access the Internet — in order to avoid being charged.

After some initial head-scratching, CIT traced the misunderstandings to a flyer included in ResNet hookup bags which told freshmen to return their cables to save $25. The charge, which is meant to discourage students from taking the cables at the end of the year, is new in 2003. What the frosh don’t know, however, is that there is no way for CIT to track who returns their cables and who doesn’t. In fact, the only way for students to get charged the approximate $25 fee is to ask.

So, young freshmen of the Class of 2007: You bypassed the $44.45 monthly fee of last year — double that of the previous year and almost triple the cost of Internet access at most other Ivies — but you weren’t forgotten. Show a bit of courtesy to the folks who have been kind enough to tag your virus-infected e-mails so that you know which ones to delete. (Hint: They’re the ones with the malicious files attached.) Either return your cables or leave a friendly note to Campus Life before you leave campus. You’ll have to include your name and home address, along with the fact that you’re interested in the ResNet fee of $25. Also, attach the cable to the note with a piece of tape. Then when you come back next year, get a new cable from CIT for a low monthly charge of $5.

Calls to the Student Assembly have gone unanswered. The Sun needs its stuff back. The hardest part about breaking up is always getting your stuff back.

The 2004 U.S. News & World Report rankings are in! Cornell remains steadfast in its 14th-place home, which it has defended valiantly for the past two years — below Washington University in St. Louis, the University of Chicago and Northwestern.

We at The Sun would, in the interest of our dedication to academia, like to advance a thesis: Cornell coincidentally happens to be the only school in the top 15 with classes on Labor Day.* This can’t look good to the watchdogs at U.S. News, who surely realize that with a School of Industrial and Labor Relations, Cornell’s unresolvable contradiction reflects badly on its academic reputation.

Despite mandatory Labor Day classes, however, Cornellians appeared to have a good time last week: Cornellia, the infamous plastic cow on the top of Stocking Hall, went missing. Anyone who rescues the bovine beauty will receive a year’s supply of free Cornell ice cream, which is also wanted for questioning in the mysterious appearance of 15 pounds on every freshman. Calls to the Ithaca Police Department were not made. According to unsubstantiated rumor, Cornell’s efforts to expand its ice cream franchise were unsuccessful, since under food regulations, its fat content would classify it as “frozen butter” on grocery shelves. Sales reps are hoping that Cornell’s carbonated milk beverage, eMoo, will fare better.

Reports that eMoo tastes good are unconfirmed.

* Thirteen of the top 15 don’t actually start classes until after Labor Day (in the interest of responsible journalism). Also, Duke (#9) actually had classes yesterday, but they’re also the only South’rn school of the bunch.

Archived article by Sun Staff

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