September 18, 2003

Gotta Have It

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Remember when you promised dear old mom and dad that you’d survive your first few weeks back at school on your own and come home for Fall Break without any major emotional or physical maladies? I think it’s time to level with me now, people. My guess is that you’ve already forgotten how to take care of yourself after enjoying all the comforts of home this summer (including the reprieve from the fights over who gets to use the almighty washing machine next and the delicious home-cooked food that actually resembles a well balanced meal), and now here you find yourself, enlightened college student, dressed in ragged clothes you found lying on the floor next to the $120 course reader, wondering what the hell happened to your formerly flawless hygiene. But fear not — three enlightening items appear below that are certain to get you back on the fast track to healthy living. Disclaimer: in no way do these products guarantee you more dates. Miracles like that don’t just happen overnight.

A Wash a Day Keeps the Infection at Bay

Have you or anyone close to you ever experienced any of the following: you’ve noticed a strong odor of garlic or onion long after you ate your last meal (of perhaps, say, a garlic and onion sandwich), your boyfriend/girlfriend suddenly decides that they “pulled a lip muscle” and won’t kiss you until further notice, or worse still, you’ve come to the realization that everyone near you is holding their nose and mimicking a “bitter beer face?” Well, if you answered yes to any of the above, congratulations: your mouth reeks. Chances are you figured the best way to give your mouth that good emergency scrub was your good old fashioned toothbrush. But the sad (dirty) truth is, your toothbrush may be leading you on. From the moment you set it back in its protective holder by the sink, or even now while you’re reading this article, your toothbrush is collecting germs. In fact, go ahead and consider it a breeding ground of germs and other assorted infections and diseases too numerous and horrible to mention. But thanks to the magic of UV rays — the same rays that can transform the fairest-skinned person into a deep-roasted Thanksgiving turkey in a matter of minutes — this grubby pattern can be reversed in time to save your already damaged ego. The Super UV Toothbrush Sterilizer utilizes the same UV technology that hospitals use to sterilize the *bleep* out of their medical instruments. Now you can apply this technology to your toothbrush. The long-life UV lamp takes about 30 seconds, and then presto! Your toothbrush is cleaner than a bottle of Comet. I think $29.95 is well worth the piece of mind this little beauty gives you. Smile!


Spray-on Sunshine