October 2, 2003


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Madonna wrote her infamous book entitled Sex when her career was at an all-time high over a decade ago. And so, instead of trying to sell another album that would not have been noticed anyway, she has decided that as a result of her career being in the crapper, she will instead write another book. The Material Girl is pleased to announce that this one is a Children’s book entitled The English Roses. The book will appear in the top position of next week’s edition of The New York Times’s best-seller list for Children’s books; has been printed in over 100 countries, and it has been getting acclaim from critics around the world. The English Roses is a 48-page tale of a clique of four girls, the English Roses, who hate a smart and beautiful, but misunderstood classmate Binah. With the help of a fairy godmother, the English Roses eventually come to understand and accept Binah. This book will be the first of a series of five; the second one is due out around November 10.

Piracy Woes

Hey kids! Remember all that mess about downloading, with the RIAA suing the underwear off college students? Remember how it looked like the shitstorm might actually be blowing over? Think again. Yes, that’s right. Now the movie industry is taking a stand and are cracking down on downloading films. The industry’s trade association has started a piracy awareness campaign for movies and television. Studios want to put electronic watermarks on prints so they can tell who is abetting the file sharing. Furthermore, they want to start programs in schools that teach children the particulars of copyright laws, and that stealing is B-A-D, BAD. Head honchos are also getting a little nervous that if they distribute DVDs to members of the Academy before the Oscars, the movies will end up on the internet. Essentially, all the really rich production company heads have their panties on a little too tight, and they don’t like the idea that they may lose a little money. They are scared that kids won’t stop downloading and that it will turn into a WORLDWIDE CONSPIRACY! Dude, we just want free movies. You really might want to read the studio heads’ reaction, it’s hilarious.

There is no more

Well, it’s the end of the week and I have run out of news. There is just not much going on. I’m really sorry. But here are some snippets that are newsworthy but not enough for an entire paragraph. Dave Matthews has a new solo album called Some Devil. Uma Thurman is in a new Quentin Tarantino movie, Kill Bill Part 1. There are a lot of swords and fighting, and it looks like a crazy movie. Rather, I think I’ll just watch Pulp Fiction again instead. The Emmy’s were last week, but they were uneventful. Billy Crystal has been asked to host the Oscars, again. Kelsey Grammer, after witnessing all the success of Arnold Schwarzenegger in politics, is considering running for U.S. Senate. Magnum P.I. is going to be made into a movie, but Tom Selleck will not be involved. The Miss America Pageant and the Emmys both bottomed out in the ratings and were beaten by Survivor. The great America pastimes, beautiful women and rich people, are no longer pastimes. People would instead like to watch dirty people run around and try to beat each other in games involving sticks and collecting water, even though it is merely a test of how long they can be malnourished before being kicked off the island. People want to watch other people eat bugs, and there is no entertainment news.

Archived article by Amanda Hodes