Twenty-six, twenty-seven, thirty-three, twenty-four. No, these aren’t this week’s Super Lotto Numbers. And thankfully, those aren’t my scores on the last round of prelims. As you may have dreaded, those four sour numbers are the projected low temperatures for this weekend. The easy thing to do would be to piss and moan — if you’ve read any of my columns this semester you know it’s my standard strategy of choice (patent pending so don’t even think about it). But it’s a new week and so I’ve decided to take a new approach. I’d like to quote the old adage that naively proclaims: “out of sight, out of mind.” If I may be so bold, I’d like to try and use this same logic to the frigid, unforgiving New York cold. I’ve come to the conclusion that if you can’t beat the cold, then why not live in a state of pure myopia and pretend you’re warm. If you’re mind is strong enough, Grasshopper, you should be able to abandon that pesky winter jacket. If your mind is weak, then let me know pronto and I’ll refer you to a good army surgeon. This week’s items all feature products tailor made to spice up your life — figuratively and literally.
Pre-heat the Inner Mood
It might be drizzling/ raining/ pouring/ hailing/ sleeting/ blizzarding outside, but at least you can have some control over the heat indoors. Don’t touch the thermostat — I’m talking about the atmosphere. The Classic Mood Light is one of those rare products that make you wish you were cashing a solid biweekly paycheck so you could drop the necessary $500. This exciting package was the recipient of the 2003 Roeder Award, as well as the European Red-Dot Award — what those mean I have no idea, but doesn’t it make the product that much more exotic? The Mood Light panel consists of four internal squares, contained within a strong aluminum frame. It’s pre-programmed with three different Mood Light sequences: “Chill,” “Motion,” and “Action,” that can do everything from calming your soul and stimulating your senses to flat blowing your mind. The secret behind the magic is the pulsing LED light that turns an infinite variety of colors. Using the provided remote control, you can choose any of the preset “light scenarios” or play with the amounts of Red, Green, and Blue to create the color of your fantasy. Charm and social skills sadly not included.
Fire Breath Only a Mother Could Love
Okay, the mood in your place is set to “impress,” the date is on their way over, and now you’re looking for that extra special touch of spice to add your home cooked meal you promised. Given your culinary skills, better make it more than just a touch. Why not spice things up a few hundred notches with some of the world’s hottest chili sauces? A speedy behind the scenes look at chili sauces before we proceed — but first a quick thank you to the folks at E! for adding that blasted phrase to my vocabulary: believe it or not, there is actually a scientific way to measure how hot particular chilies are. The ancient ratings units are called Scoville Units (that’s SUs to the layperson) and range from 0 (water) to a few million (hope you have handy access to a lavatory). Two of the hottest sauces on the market (that was a joke, get it?) are Blair’s 2AM Hot Sauce and Crazy Jerry’s Brain Damage Hot Sauce. As the legend goes, the elusive Blair once used the hot sauce to shock the drunks right out of his London bar once closing time hit. You may cringe at the thought of spending $40 on hot sauce (as any sane person would) but this package is truly a collectors’ item. Each bottle is individually numbered and signed by the “sauce engineer” in glorious gold ink. The Crazy Jerry concoction includes a special blend of mandarin oranges, honey, mango, habaneros, and chipotles. You’d be crazy not to try this product if you have no regard for your tastebuds.
Tub of Fire
Powerful jetting luxury for you and up to six buddies, or substitute random strangers if you’re socially inept. The Grandee spa is the Rolls Royce of the spa circuit; and if you can shell out the bucks, it’s bound to deliver the bubbly. The tub has a 500 gallon capacity and measures about eight and a half feet by nearly eight feet — plenty of room for you and that special person to heat the night up. Dual Moto-Massage jets mean two people can enjoy a stimulating water massage at once. The trademarked double pumps insure a doubly satisfying jet experience. The most interesting feature is called SpAudio, the capability to listen to music through speakers planted in the unit. With a small upgrade fee this system can be yours for the enjoying. Imagine the possibilities. Or stop imagining and buy the spa. Color choices include white, jade, spa blue and pearl.
Archived article by Jason Mednick