Ithacans, they’re always looking to find an alternative way of living. For those of you who have tried and grown tired of Buddhism, Communism, and veganism, might I suggest an alternative: street-life. Why not practice what you preach and forsake your home, clothing, and material goods? It may leave you hungry, but it will help you in realizing your conscious Self. Here are some essentials for life as a rolling stone.
Well, you’ve gotta eat somehow, and dumpster cuisine gets old fast. Change cans are perfect for acquiring minimal monetary sums. Always remember to keep the can almost empty, as nothing touches the guilt nerves of all those goddamn capitalists like the rattling of a barren change can.
The only thing harder to swallow than life on the streets is the beverage of choice. While all those preppy, tree-killing students sip their martinis at Stella’s, you can help yourself to 40 oz of malt liquor goodness. It’s cheap, a natural diuretic, and will get you shit-canned. What better way to forget that you could be at home taking a shower.
An essential of street-life, this versatile accessory can double as a rain coat or a travel bag. Sure, it’s not Louis Vuitton, but on the streets, functionality is the key. Waterproof, compactible, and coming in neutral colors, the trash bag is ergonomics at its peak.
William Blake once wrote, “Everything on earth is eater or eaten, man is the seed and fire is the eater.” I’m not sure what that means exactly, but it sure sounds nasty out there! Personal protection is everything these days, and what better way to defend yourself from muggers, police, and children than slashing them with a shank? They’re easy and fun to make. Just grab some scrap metal or broken glass and fashion a hilt out of timber or cardboard. Gouge away!
Now that you’ve become a nomad, you are going to need some help carrying your possessions about. Shopping carts are heavy duty, easy to steer, and have a hip crome exterior. Just swing by the local supermarket conglomorate and take back what they ripped from the people.
Why are there no fingertips? Like ties, these aren’t very practical, but who cares. When parasiting another culture, it’s important to at least look the part, so get yourself a pair.
Archived article by Zach Jones