February 27, 2004

This Column Is Worth Reading

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Good morning. Why don’t you grab a cup of coffee, sit down, and chat it up with me? Let’s talk sports.

That’s me being personal, because frankly the type of column you’re about to read usually annoys me as a reader. It’s going to be one of those rambling — here’s my thoughts on the entire spectrum of sports issues — type columns. Something like Pardon the Interruption, except I’m just one guy and normally have one opinion.

I’m extremely myopic when it comes to sports because, honestly, I don’t think one should waste his time exploring all sides of a debate involving something as trivial as sports. That’s what Around the Horn is for. Woody Paige is the definition of the “other side” of sports. Has there been a weirder perspective on sports, ever? And is he actually drunk by 4:00 p.m. every day or is that just a genius impression of being strung out?

These questions need answers. Someone call RadioShaq.

So, the first opinion I must express is that I believe this column is worth reading. I won’t explain why, but let’s face it, you’ve already invested about three minutes into reading this and you’ve gained nothing as yet. Stay with me.

First topic: Turk Wendell.

How can anyone say they hate this guy with a straight face? You know you’ve seen old footage of Bonds and wondered about his new freakish, My Neck is Actually Two Times Wider Than My Head look. The guy could barely fill out his Pirates uniform and now he looks like Hulk Hogan back in his shirt-ripping glory days. Imagine every time Barry yanks one into McCovey Cove this year, he sheds his uniform Hulk-style while rounding second base?

Imagine the awkward look on the shortstop’s face and thousands of parents shielding their children’s eyes in the stands simultaneously. What would happen if he proceeded to touch home and twirl his hand near his ear asking for more noise from his Hulk-amaniacs? Would this not be the most alluring athletic celebration in sports history? Imagine if he did it all 50 times he took one yard? Tivo sales would sky-rocket.

Anyway, don’t hate Turk because he speaks the truth and still wears pooka beads on the mound. All he did was say what everyone else dare not. I think it just makes for some newly acquired excitement when the Giants head to Colorado. Imagine the look on Turk’s face as a shirtless Barry rounds third base with fire in his eyes. Turk shaking his head wondering why there are shells around his neck. I can’t get over this

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