The Roman Empire. Napoleonic France. The 121st editorial board. Saturday, March 6 marked the fall of yet another empire of Western civilization. The election was chaotic — sports editors cried for secession, the business department littered Goldwin Smith’s Auditorium D with shrapnel and napalm, the news department suffered tremendous losses in their ranks and the columnists hid in the corner discussing anal sex. Such a collapse has not been witnessed since the destruction of Sodom!
After the tear gas cleared and the body count was tallied, a new regime — the 122nd editorial board — emerged.
The new editor-in-chief, Andy Guess ’05, got his position solely through yelling, improvising his entire speech and sleeping his way to the top of the Daily Sun (which means he slept with one person and an inkjet printer). Despite a horrible insinuation that he may be a necrophiliac and despite directing many films detailing the lives of dead rabbits, Guess promises to act as a responsible spokesperson … or at least wear a tie when his pet bunnies are masturbating on his leg.
Shalini Saxena ’05, the new business manager, will continue the business department’s legacy of contributing dry bagels and bankruptcy to staff meetings. Maybe this business manager will ensure that volatile mixtures of radiator fluid and human feces don’t drip from the ceiling at all hours of the night.
The managing editor must be calm, amiable and understanding. Unfortunately, Freda Ready ’05 is an assertive, ball-busting man-hater, and she has a perplexing penchant for putting her sexual paraphernalia all over the front page.
Although Associate Editor Erica Stein ’05 has a passably friendly exterior, she’s committed more crimes under the guise of progress than Mao and Pol Pot combined. She makes most of the staff feel bad just for existing and will therefore make an excellent elementary school teacher. This should come as no surprise as she’s from New Jersey. While most of us had crushes on Katie Holmes and Brad Pitt, Erica had a crush on that emblem of decaying heroin-death-superstardom, Keith Richards.
Taking over the role of Frenchman is Jean-Paul LaClair ’06. If you couldn’t tell, he’s French, which means he gives cigarettes to babies and often calls our newspapers “merde Americaine!” while doing his duties as advertising manager.
Perhaps the most overqualified sports editor in Sun history, Owen Bochner ’05 returns to lead the sports department. Owen brings impeccable posture and a finely groomed appearance to an entire office traditionally filled with individuals who find Third-World fashion trendy. However, we are worried that his jeans may be cutting off the flow of oxygen to his brain.
Katy Bishop ’06, the design editor, is nice to the point where it seems like she has ulterior motives. The Sun has done a background check on her storied past and has discovered that she paid her rent by engaging in highly illegal wrestling bouts against mentally damaged children in a psych ward. And indeed, her designs are often less suitable for a newspaper and more appropriate for Rorschach tests.
In a newsroom whose notion of technology is “an abacus and some daguerreotypes for the front page,” Matthew Lee ’06 sticks out like a sore thumb with his wild visions of “computers” and “Internets.” As the new web editor, Lee has unknowingly walked into the position of web whipping boy for all the editors who still write their articles on parchment and clay tabernacles.
Christine Papio ’05, the incumbent photo editor, still has her job because nobody else wanted it, garnering the title of “Worst Position on Staff.” Almost as eclectic as her photography is her sense of fashion. Christine is not afraid to combine pinstripes with sparkling leopard spots. As she puts it, “I’m unique. Damn it!”
Alex Linhardt ’06, the new editor-in-chief of DAZE, claims he hasn’t gotten a good night’s sleep since Reagan was president and he was in the womb. He edits pages 7 and 10, but he lets the ‘shrooms edit page 9. New to entertainment editing, Alex tells us anyone can feel like an editor — all you need to do is get a bunch of homeless lepers to urinate all over you while you cry.
Coming from a fascinating past of copy editing in the news department, Amber Parker ’06 expressed her utter contempt for human language and retreated to the even-more-interesting business department as the circulation manager. She claims this move was prompted by “an interest in finance, Keynesian multipliers and extortion.”
Eric Finkelstein ’06, commonly referred to as The Truth, received a collective eyeroll upon announcing his candidacy for news editor. His ploy did not work, and he is now deceased. Which shows just how easy it is to become a news editor nowadays.
News Editor Brian Kaviar ’05, the Nordic conqueror of the copy desk, has proven he’s an efficient and responsible organizer many times in his collegiate career — he has no idea what his major is, what college he’s in, what year he is, who his advisor is and whether his parents are alive or dead right now.
Jeff Sickelco ’05 is so nondescript that the most significant moment of his life has been anonymously sitting through Student Assembly meetings. Now he’s finally a news editor. Jeff, please do something. Anything. Use profanity. Light a fire. Watch TV. Anything!
When you think of the words “cute,” “adorable” and “friendly,” you think of Erica Temel ’06, also a news editor. Erica holds the unique position of being the only person at The Sun who elicits massive quantities of guilt from anyone who tries to insult her. Also, she murdered the last person who did that.
Adam Sinovsky ’05, the associate design editor, has the highest tolerance for tequila of any Sun staffer and is the greatest thing to come out of Mahopac since Ryan McClay ’03. He’s also a double major in engineering, which means he is illiterate and hasn’t had a date, at least a bipedal one, in four years.
Appropriately, Owen leads the least-qualified group of assistant sports editors in a long history of incompetent sports editors. Everett J. Hullverson ’05, Chris Mascaro ’06 and young Kyle “I’m Man-Beautiful” Sheahen ’07 compose the mighty triumvirate. All hailing from the Greek system, they enjoy elephant walks, binge vomiting and “philanthropy events.” While there are concerns that they were depleted of oxygen in the birth canal, there are three of them after all, so they can’t screw up that bad. Fun facts:
— E.J. once removed his beanie cap when forced to in the ninth grade by his German instructor at an all-boys prep school.
— Chris has never said a mean thing about anyone, ever, except members of the Colgate hockey team. (Losers.)
— Kyle is the youngest member of the 122nd editorial board. He’s hoping to fulfill his gym requirement through the many hours he will soon put into working at The Sun. Good luck with that one, Kyle.
Championing the title of Softest Testicles on Staff, Zach “I’m Only Third Best” Jones ’06 brings ineptitude and supermodel cheekbones to the position of DAZE associate editor. He was not originally selected for this position and was given an assistant to his already assistant position, facts that reflect the general confidence in his abilities. Zach, owing to his lack of enthusiasm and personality, has no friends and hates his life. If you see him, please call EARS and the suicide prevention program.
Chris Mitchell ’05, in a move that defies all logical reasoning, abandoned the news department to work for business as marketing director. Despite his many new commitments, Mitchell still finds time to indulge in his favorite hobby — getting into weekly car wrecks with townies.
And finally, Meagan Smith ’07, the assistant advertising manager, exists. That is al
l we know for certain.
Archived article by Sun Staff