March 18, 2004

Entertainment News

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Same Shit, Different Day

The Oscars are over, no one wants to release a movie this early in the year, and everybody is hung-over from all of the parties. What does this mean? There is absolutely no news.

Now you might be wondering, shouldn’t this “Amanda” girl know by now how to make boring shit into news that we want to read? Well, this stuff is simply not interesting enough for me to fake; I would rather just tell you that there is no news than let you suffer through 611 words of pure and utter bullshit. So I am actually saving you from ten minutes of what could potentially be a very painful and complete waste of your time. It would, in fact, be a waste of time to actually write the article, because not only will I dislike what I am doing and therefore take double the time to write it, I will also have to spend valuable time explaining the problem to my editor, who will tell me that my article is shit. You may not understand the dilemma in which I find myself, but, in further defense of my quandary, I must interject that there isn’t even anything about Paris Hilton. And believe me, I checked.

Personally I would prefer not to visit and pay $50 to explain the sex tape to you because I really don’t want to see it, and I am sure that anyone who wants me to do that has already seen the video. Anyway, there was nothing on E! online, and I even sat through the horror of E! News Live with (yuck) Giuliana (where have Jules Asner and Steve Kmetko gone?) to get the dirt, but not even the masters of all celebrity gossip could muster up anything worthwhile. They are still blabbing about Janet Jackson’s faux pas at the Super bowl. When was that? February 1st! That was a month and a half ago! It was a boob! C’mon people. We either have them or we look at them (or both), so what is the big fucking deal? So you might ask, out of curiosity, what else is gracing the headlines this week? Britney Spears is going to start her own line of makeup and perfume because she doesn’t make enough money already. Oh, and Miami cops are following rappers to clubs and bars when they come into town to make sure they don’t stir up any unwanted violence. Well, if that isn’t racism, then I don’t know what is. Just to show my dedication to this lovely Entertainment News column, I even went to The New York Times for material that might be more “cultural” (hey, I try). All I found was that Starsky and Hutch is number two in the box office, and ironically, right below The Passion of the Christ. Oh, and there was something about French taboos. In other news, there are celebrities being stalked! And television is getting too risqu