April 8, 2004

Gotta Have It

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I’m happy to report that my complimentary, advertisement-ravaged promotional calendar has been turned over from blustery March to … let’s call it less blustery April. Passover, Easter, and other distinctively spring holidays are in the air. It’s 5:45 p.m., and instead of the usual utter darkness of night, I’m shocked to feel the heat of those last few dying rays of daylight savings time that are streaming through my corner window. Disregard last weekend’s snow and this week’s dip into the freezing temperatures and it sure sounds to me like the warmth of spring is just around the bend. Whether you want to repeatedly re-live your fabulous tropical spring break adventures, or simply can’t stand to layer yourself with bulky clothing any longer, take a look at some of this week’s products, chosen to warm you up and ready you for the warmer (better) months of the year.

Your Own Personal Tropical Escape

Just because you left Mexico, Florida, California, or the Caribbean weeks ago doesn’t mean you can’t bring the tropical scenery home with you. Assuming you failed to fit a whole palm tree into your suitcase, the Aqua Palm may be your most convenient ticket to a breezy, tropical atmosphere in no time. The Aqua Palm is available in two sizes: Allen Iverson (TableTop), and Yao Ming (an abnormally large 7.5 feet). The clear acrylic trunk is stable enough to hold the 30 silk palm fronds on top and create a soothing mood as it allows colorful bubbles to slowly make their way to the top. The set comes complete with internal lighting system, four color filters, and air pump. I make no claims as to whether or not this product is the last word in cutting edge modern-tropic living, but one thing is for sure: the element of surprise is in your favor. Let’s face it, nobody is going to expect you to have a bubbling palm tree in the center of your living room unless you happen to be an ex-cast member of Miami Vice or habitually wear Tommy Bahama Hawaiian shirts like it’s your business. (www.midwest-tropical.com/)

Be Responsible and Lazy all at Once! (Not a Miracle, But Close to it)

If you’ve neglected the cleanliness of your living space for the last few months (I know, I know, you were SO busy with prelims and all) you might decide that it’s time for that long overdue spring cleaning you’ve been meaning to do ever since who knows when. The first thing you do is survey your cleaning supplies, and realize that there’s not a chance that you’re going to be able to reach the hordes of cobwebs that have managed to collect on your ceiling, walls, bookshelf … (on top of the books you supposedly used to study for those prelims … now how did that happen?) and you’re ready to call it quits and return to staring at your plastic bubbling palm tree. Well, think again. Thanks to Frontgate’s Telescopic Duster, you can effortlessly dust a large space with minimal time and effort. The Duster can extend from 6 feet to an astounding 16 to track down and eliminate dust and cobwebs that lie far beyond the reach of your normal duster. The trick is the lanolin-rich 17″ Lambswool Duster that acts like a magnet to attract and catch unwanted dust. The Flexible wool duster head is primed to tackle tight spaces with ease. The window washer head can handle … you guessed it … your dirtiest and cruddiest windows. The Duster is perfect for an unusually high ceiling, or someone slovenly enough to sit in a chair in the center of a normal-sized room and hardly have to move a muscle. Can money buy happiness? Perhaps not, but in this case it just might buy slothfulness. (www.frontgate.com)

Slide into Spring … and Your Pool

When I was seven, my family took me on a great vacation to Las Vegas and the Grand Canyon. Sorry Sin City and sorry rock formation, but my favorite part of the vacation, hands down, was the twisting and turning fun of the waterslide at the Phonecian hotel in Scottsdale, Arizona. The Wild Ride Slide isn’t quite as big as that, but it’s pretty darn cool to have a waterslide in your backyard no matter what the size. The slide’s made of long-lasting acrylic that is impervious to the most vicious cracking or blistering. And the oddly-named Zoom Flume three-jet water supply system drenches the 13-foot steep-pitched runway, propelling you faster than any other residential slide on the market. I’m going to venture a guess and say that this product isn’t designed for use with kiddie pools, and since we’re poor (cough, wheeze), suffering college students and can’t afford a real pool anytime soon, you might just have to keep this one in mind until after you’ve earned your first million and built your dream house complete with pool area. Then you’ll finally be ready to reap the rewards of this monster $1,595 retail-priced water slide. (www.frontgate.com)

Archived article by Jason Mednick