By April 9, 2004
Yeah, I’ve pretty much grown up on men’s magazines. I started reading them in the same way as every other frat boy — masturbating to them furtively in the bathroom while my mother cooked dinner. But after awhile, I got so bored (and tired and sore), that I began reading the actual articles. I picked up a workout routine, a few of their best pick-up lines, and instructions on how to eat fruit tarts … from inside a woman’s fruit tart. So it was no surprise to me when I read the April edition of Details. Gay or Asian? I’ve wondered that myself. In case you missed it, the April edition of Details has a full-page spread with the epistemological quandary, “Gay or Asian?” Accompanying this text is a picture of your (typical) Asian male with arrows pointing to various parts of his body such as his pants, commenting, “Evisu Jeans: $400. A bonsai ass requires delicate tending.” Another example — “White T-Shirt: V-neck nicely showcases sashimi-smooth chest. What other men visit salons to get, the Asian gene pool provides for free.” They leave the most incisive commentary for Asian “ladyboy fingers” : “Soft and long, Perfect for both waxing on and waxing off, plucking the koto, or gripping the Kendo stick.” The above confuses me, but they seem to have cleverly associated Asian cultural commodities with queer innuendo, so I’m convinced. After reading the article, I have begun paying particular attention. I see someone walking down the street … say they’ve got white skin and blonde hair. The question arises: Gay or Asian? “Probably not Asian,” I say to myself. Then they must be gay. Black skin? Gay. Hispanic-sounding last name? Gay. I guess the future of procreation lies in the hands (or more appropriately, loins) of Asian men. Thanks Details! Oh, but that’s probably not what they mean, gee golly whiz. They’re saying, “Hey, gay people and Asian people are like, interchangeable — man.” And with that I can’t argue: many times I’ve seen a person — I couldn’t for the life of me tell if they were gay or Asian. Because Asian people definitely look gay (like totally), and gay people … look Asian? Identifying girls, oh they’re easy: if a girl is holding hands with a goofy white guy, then by golly, she is Asian. Otherwise, she’s probably gay. With Asian guys, it is a bit tougher to tell. After all, their general inability to speak English comes across as the stereotypical gay male lisp; their style is refreshingly homosexual — their smooth skin, their affinity for hot beverages … Haven’t you seen William Hung? Plus, they’ve definitely got enough smarts to slip it in from behind when you aren’t looking. Some people worry about the demasculization of the Asian male, and that’s a real concern considering that we’re a dying breed; but hey, don’t worry about me — I don’t even know kung fu, and I had sex six times last week with six different white bitches (plant a seed and it will grow). But just because I have a smooth chest and long, piano fingers, doesn’t mean I get fucked up-side-down. And just because HEY DETAILS I KNOW YOU WON’T FUCK WITH BLACK PEOPLE SO YOU’RE GONNA FUCK WITH ME? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING? doesn’t mean I won’t KICK YOUR ASS YOU FUCKIN TWIT LESTTS TAKE THIS OUTSIDE AFTER I GET MY DRINKK LET ME WHIP OSUT MY COKCOK ITS A FUKCING 12 INCHEER COMIN DFO U COMIN JOKOK? OHH SHITTT. Archived article by Walter Chen
By April 9, 2004
Justin Redd has never had much difficulty finding the back of the net against the Harvard Crimson. The men’s lacrosse team’s junior midfielder has scored twice in each of the past two meetings between the two teams, both of which were Cornell wins. Redd and his teammates will look to replicate that result tomorrow, as the Crimson (4-3, 0-1 Ivy) hosts Cornell (4-2, 1-1) on Jordan Field in Cambridge, Mass. After the No. 16 Red dropped its first Ivy game of the season last Saturday at Penn, the team will be looking to rebound tomorrow, and move a game above .500 in conference play. Needing a victory to even its own conference record, the Crimson enters tomorrow’s game after a 10-7 loss against No. 17 Denver its last time out. It was the first meeting between the two teams. With the loss, Harvard fell to 1-1 against ranked teams this season. Ivy League rival Penn is the only opponent Cornell and Harvard have had in common thus far this season. The Quakers defeated both teams on their home field in the past two weeks. Penn beat the Crimson, 7-5, on March 27 before last week’s 10-8 come-from-behind victory over Cornell. Going into tomorrow’s game, Cornell will face the challenge of containing Harvard’s high-scoring brothers, attacks Greg and Steve Cohen. Freshman Greg leads the Crimson with 16 points on six goals and 10 assists, while sophomore Steve leads the squad with 10 goals on the season. Andrew Collins, however, leads the Ancient Eight with 17 assists, averaging 2.8 per game. The latter number is good for second in the country. The Red’s senior co-captain leads a potent Cornell attack, which also features junior Sean Greenhalgh and sophomore Joe Boulukos — two of the most dangerous goal scorers in the country. Since the series between the two squads began in 1895, the Red has dominated the matchup, going 53-23. Cornell has won five straight games, a span going back to the 1999 season. Prior to this current run, Harvard had won five straight. Unless something unexpected occurs, the game should be played in fairly comfortable weather conditions tomorrow. Highs are expected to reach the mid 50s. The forecast is for a mostly sunny sky, with a 10 percent chance of precipitation. Cornell will need to put forth a strong effort tomorrow to keep its hopes for an Ivy title alive. With last week’s loss to Penn, the Red fell a half-game behind first-place Princeton, which has won its only conference game so far this season, a 12-9 victory over Yale last weekend. Keeping pace with the rest of the highly competitive conference will also be a top priority for the Crimson, as it plays its first conference home game of the season. Harvard is a perfect 3-0 thus far on Jordan Field this year, having won its home games by a combined score of 41-16. Syracuse is up next for the Red, as the central New York powerhouses will clash on Schoellkopf Field on Tuesday afternoon. In the meanwhile, Cornell is concentrating only on Harvard, as it attempts to return to winning form before playing host to the rival Orange.Archived article by Owen BochnerSun Sports Editor