April 9, 2004

The DAZE Rant

Print More

Yeah, I’ve pretty much grown up on men’s magazines. I started reading them in the same way as every other frat boy — masturbating to them furtively in the bathroom while my mother cooked dinner. But after awhile, I got so bored (and tired and sore), that I began reading the actual articles. I picked up a workout routine, a few of their best pick-up lines, and instructions on how to eat fruit tarts … from inside a woman’s fruit tart. So it was no surprise to me when I read the April edition of Details. Gay or Asian? I’ve wondered that myself.

In case you missed it, the April edition of Details has a full-page spread with the epistemological quandary, “Gay or Asian?” Accompanying this text is a picture of your (typical) Asian male with arrows pointing to various parts of his body such as his pants, commenting, “Evisu Jeans: $400. A bonsai ass requires delicate tending.” Another example — “White T-Shirt: V-neck nicely showcases sashimi-smooth chest. What other men visit salons to get, the Asian gene pool provides for free.” They leave the most incisive commentary for Asian “ladyboy fingers” : “Soft and long, Perfect for both waxing on and waxing off, plucking the koto, or gripping the Kendo stick.” The above confuses me, but they seem to have cleverly associated Asian cultural commodities with queer innuendo, so I’m convinced. After reading the article, I have begun paying particular attention. I see someone walking down the street … say they’ve got white skin and blonde hair. The question arises: Gay or Asian? “Probably not Asian,” I say to myself. Then they must be gay. Black skin? Gay. Hispanic-sounding last name? Gay. I guess the future of procreation lies in the hands (or more appropriately, loins) of Asian men. Thanks Details!

Oh, but that’s probably not what they mean, gee golly whiz. They’re saying, “Hey, gay people and Asian people are like, interchangeable — man.” And with that I can’t argue: many times I’ve seen a person — I couldn’t for the life of me tell if they were gay or Asian. Because Asian people definitely look gay (like totally), and gay people … look Asian? Identifying girls, oh they’re easy: if a girl is holding hands with a goofy white guy, then by golly, she is Asian. Otherwise, she’s probably gay.

With Asian guys, it is a bit tougher to tell. After all, their general inability to speak English comes across as the stereotypical gay male lisp; their style is refreshingly homosexual — their smooth skin, their affinity for hot beverages … Haven’t you seen William Hung? Plus, they’ve definitely got enough smarts to slip it in from behind when you aren’t looking.

Some people worry about the demasculization of the Asian male, and that’s a real concern considering that we’re a dying breed; but hey, don’t worry about me — I don’t even know kung fu, and I had sex six times last week with six different white bitches (plant a seed and it will grow). But just because I have a smooth chest and long, piano fingers, doesn’t mean I get fucked up-side-down. And just because HEY DETAILS I KNOW YOU WON’T FUCK WITH BLACK PEOPLE SO YOU’RE GONNA FUCK WITH ME? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING? doesn’t mean I won’t KICK YOUR ASS YOU FUCKIN TWIT LESTTS TAKE THIS OUTSIDE AFTER I GET MY DRINKK LET ME WHIP OSUT MY COKCOK ITS A FUKCING 12 INCHEER COMIN DFO U COMIN JOKOK? OHH SHITTT.

Archived article by Walter Chen