April 15, 2004

The Compendium

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How Bluegrass Music Ruined My Life or: Eleven Things I Wish I Never Heard Growing Up:

1. James Taylor — I grew up thinking “Fire and Rain” and “Sweet Baby James” were what it would sound like when I grew up and fell in love, so much so that I took a high school girlfriend to see him, and we danced on the grass to “Carolina On My Mind” like nymphs. And now I find his voice to be synonomous with denial and the smell of vomit.

2. Claude Debussy — He was a pretentious, elitist asshole who made profound music. I’ve figured out the pretentious asshole part, but the profound music part has eluded me.

3. Simon & Garfunkel — Because I still can’t stop enjoying it.

4. Neil Diamond’s Christmas album — Because i still can’t stop enjoying it.

5. Vivaldi’s Four Seasons — The score must still be taking up space somewhere in my brain, dissolving dendrites.

6. Chicago — Turned me off from the city before it ever had a chance.

7. Luther Vandross — Because I still can’t enjoy it.

8. My Parents — Having sex when I woke up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

9. Boston — Turned me off from the city before it ever had a chance.

10. Huey Lewis & the News — I don’t even know what he sounds like, for I have repressed every moment soundtracked by him and his news. Whole chunks of my childhood are just missing, making my life wholly incomprehensible, a series of loose and disconnected fragments.

11. Bombs — Tel Aviv Bernstein Bears

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