April 22, 2004

A Bankrupt Show and a Rich Man

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It’s not personal, it’s just business. That’s why we feel at ease saying Trump has painfully exceeded his fifteen minutes of TV fame. The Apprentice has finally concluded, as the entrepreneurial spirit of Bill Rancic won over Kwame Jackson’s high-pedigree Harvard MBA. Well, so much for an Ivy League education.

Though the show continually felt like one big advertisement for the wonders of “Trump World,” we rolled with laughter watching the job candidates scratch and claw their way to the boardroom, only to receive the nearly trademarked line — you’re fired. Oh, and by the way, for reading this far in the article, you’re fired. Thankfully, we won’t have to endure anymore of this corporate wet dream turned into a competition of blind squirrels all trying to emulate one very rich nut. Even better, we won’t have to watch Trump’s stupefying hair blow in the wind from his helicopter ever again, that is until the next season. Maybe NBC should call in Queer Eye’s Fab Five to fix up Trump, but then again, we also hypothesize that Trump’s hair is filing for divorce and half of Donald’s wealth. Think about it, when his hair stuck up, it was like the Great Wall of China on top of his head. What we really want to know is if it’s the man behind the hair or the hair behind the man that we see. Ok, enough with the hair jokes.

The show made us endure a season of the most blatant ass-kissing, brown-nosing incompetence the corporate world has to offer. From the corporate crack-pot, power-sleep advocate Sam, to the egomaniac, psychotic, conniving Omarosa, The Apprentice featured some of the most ill-qualified individuals imaginable. If we were in that building with Omarosa, we would have ripped the cement off the ceiling and whacked her in the head ourselves. But, in the world of Trump, there are no excuses, which is funny considering that The Apprentice picked some of the most whiney, ill-tempered, and obnoxious candidates available. 215,000 down to two, what the hell were the other 214,998 like?

The entire season boiled down to a two hour finale of ridiculously overproduced television that featured Bill managing a golf outing, Kwame overseeing an Atlantic City Jessica Simpson concert, and Trump portraying himself as the self-proclaimed deity of business. “The Donald” made his presence felt during each task, entering with apocalyptic music and slow-motion cuts, as if NBC were previewing its next made for TV film: “The Passion of Trump.”

Tragically, we watched the calm and collected Kwame suffer at the hands of incompetent team members, and most notably, the half human-half machine terminator known as Omorosa Manigault-Stallworth. Bill, although quite nervous and frantic at times, had one leg up on Kwame, because at least his team was comprised of members of the human race (we’re not so sure about Troy and Heidi). Let there be no secrets in this reveal all corporate world, we were pulling for Kwame. He had more business acumen than anyone in the Trump Camp, which was probably why Trump chose the aloof Bill. Kwame’s tie collection was also the finest we had ever seen.

Fortunately, our hours of watching were not a complete waste. We learned a few things from “The Donald” and our voyeuristic foray into the SNAFUs of American corporate culture. But the following lessons are the only ones we’re allowed to print.

Apparently, Atlantic City really is a classy place … not that we could tell from our experience. “The Donald” does not play golf after 10:30, and could benefit from some extra R&D expenditures on his golf swing. Mr. Trump also works part time as a translator for his Russian model girlfriend, Melania (who ever said he wasn’t a nice guy?). Bill enjoys wearing two golf gloves on the course Jacko-style. And, Jessica Simpson managed to outsmart team Trump by making it to the Taj Mahal without their knowledge or help. Maybe she’s smarter than she appears on her show, but probably not.

The last half hour of the show was so cheesy, it’s not worth talking about. At least we got to watch Trump stumble over cue cards. Well, there’s always next season for a whole slew of reasons to love to hate our businessman next door, Donald J. Trump.

Archived article by Andrew and Jon Gilman
Red Letter Daze Dynamic Duo