April 22, 2004

For Those About to Rock, We Salute You

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Perhaps not since the times of Sun Tzu and his bookstore impulse-buy masterwork has warfare been called art. But to justify printing an article clearly not meant for the Arts and Entertainment section, I propose that it is. Besides, what human endeavor requires more grace in tactics and execution? Yes, maybe it is grotesque and macabre, but worthwhile art makes you want to puke anyways, at least according to Claire Fisher’s art teacher in Six Feet Under. Consequently this week, I bring news from the frontlines of Iraq and how rock and roll may achieve victory against pockets of armed insurgents.

Jason Keyser of the AP reports that U.S. troops in Fallujah, Iraq, bogged down by militants hiding within the city, blast rock music like AC/DC’s “Hell’s Bells” in an attempt to draw them out. You may snicker, but seriously that song might be the best musical weapon known to Man. The 1980 release of “Hell’s Bells” off their Back in Black album stands as AC/DC’s equivalent of the Manhattan Project. Hitherto, Western civilization’s most potent score was Wagner’s “Ride of the Valkyries” as depicted in Apocalypse Now, but lyrics such as “I won’t take no prisoners, won’t spare no lives. Nobody’s putting up a fight,” and power chords shattered that along with every window in Fallujah.

As if Iraq did not already think America was the Great Satan, we have just given them every reason to make them believe we are a nation of impish, ’80s rockers from Australia. The only way we could seem more American to them is by releasing robotic bikini models wearing high heels and Mickey Mouse hats with Gatling gun arms that shoot hamburger-bullets upon the desert country. That might force them to conclude that the end of the world is drawing near and, thus, there is no reason to continue fighting.

However, guns and music do not constitute the entirety of the U.S. armament, as some believe they should. Troops also play “sound effects like babies crying, men screaming, a symphony of cats and barking dogs and piercing screeches.” Now Iraqis too know the pain and agony of attending a Styx concert!

Modern warfare often takes new spins on older tried and true strategies. For instance Joshua used God’s horns against the defiant city of Jericho, and now the Americans are using Hell’s bells on the stubborn resistance at Fallujah. I can just imagine a semi full of speakers and groupies running into every battle along with the tanks and planes. But how do the soldiers make such requests, do they just call up on their radios and order music strikes on targets? If so, how do I enlist?

The crack news team here at daze tried to contact someone in Psychological Operations at the Pentagon to answer some of our questions as well as discuss other tactics employed in Iraq with an authoritative source. Although calls were made back and forth, the Pentagon has not yet responded to our inquiry. I can only assume they are planning something big, perhaps a rock-opera, to be performed against the insurgents, and hence could not conduct the interview.

Despite the veritable Rock-a-Thon that is the front line, the troops remain bored as they wait hour upon hour for the slightest bit of movement by the enemy. However, they realize that this lingering threat must be eliminated in order to guarantee security in the region.

Ultimately, I see the old Fallujah crumbling under a crescendo of U.S. artillery shells and KISS’s devastating power slides, and a new Fallujah being built on the stable and profitable foundation of rock and roll. I think that fairly summarizes America’s dream for Iraq and the rest of the world.

Proof of this article’s claims: http://www.seacoastonline.com/news/04172004/world/11198.htm

Archived article by Chris Kakovitch
Red Letter Daze Staff Writer