April 22, 2004

The Compendium

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1. The Bass — Look at this instrument. Now look at yourself. Do you feel stupider? This is the instrument of nothingness. We have never heard a song that ever needed a bass. Did you know Paul McCartney learned the bass in a day? Would you like to know how he did it? Here’s a hint: By hitting his head with a hammer, snorting a line of acid, and then sticking his head in the oven. That bassist from The Roots even has that toothpick when he plays. No actual musician would ever be able to do two things at once simultaneously. Think about how hard that would be! And Les Claypool? Isn’t he a musician? No, learn how to read.

2. Drum ‘N Bass — What the hell? Can you imagine a world where this would have been popular? If you can, it would be called Devil Planet: The Tomb of Music X23. Sure, happy hardcore and microhouse are idiotic too, but at least those scenes are only populated by little sunshine girls. I’ve seen intelligent people like drum ‘n bass. True, many of them were walruses and mentally-hindered veterans, but they had eyes and minds and should’ve known better.

3. Ringo Starr — Not the best drummer in the world, but that’s not our beef with him. The problem is how he replaced Pete Best. Can you imagine the conversations around that time: “Yeah, we kicked Best out of The Beatles?” “Wait, literally?” “Yeah, yeah, he was the absolute Best, with a capital B. ” Can you imagine living the rest of your life saying, “I used to be Best of the Beatles.” It is a tragic existence, like those of all drummers.

4. Records — People say they still like to groove on their old ’45s. It’s all about “the right sound.” Imagine buying an album you can never play anywhere. Usually, you can’t even correctly play it in your house without hiring imposing technicians and killing your children to rip off insurance companies and get enough money to buy this old shit.

Archived article by The Band, “The Flamin’ Deuteronomies”