I’ve given considerable thought about what this, my final article at Cornell, should be about. Should I write a weepy piece encouraging all of the graduating seniors to spend their coming years toiling charitably to benefit humanity? That’s a nice thought, but let’s not gets too ahead of ourselves — I’m admittedly not that altruistic. Instead, I’m going to spend this final article focusing on three things I dearly love: my girlfriend, me, and cool stuff. Sorry Nicole, but since your graduation is still a ways away, I’m going to revise this article to focus on me and cool stuff. Specifically, what “stuff” to get “me.” I’m going to describe a few absurdly expensive gifts any college grad related to someone as loaded as everyone’s favorite Uncle Pennybags might expect to receive on the big day.
Go For Broke on the Same Product that Most Likely Drove You Broke Only Years Ago
My beloved computer, responsible for assisting me with everything from spelling to grammar on just about every article and paper I’ve written in the past two years, works just fine. But considering that in the modern computing world its 1-Gigahertz processor is already hopelessly out of date, it can’t hurt to take a look over at Dell.com and see what kind of customized computer they can build me. After customizing my computer (with just about every single option available), I’ve designed a beefed up Dell Dimension XPS (which probably stands for eXtra Pricy Series) boasting a street value of $2,498. Included are a 3.4 GHz processor, combination CD burner and DVD player, and 250 (!) gigabyte hard drive. That’s a lot of room for your extensive MP3 library. And I’m sure all of your songs are strictly legal, of course. (www.dell.com)
Show Me the Hardware!
As my good friend (and personal idol, the legendary originator of Gotta Have It) Ryan Silbert poignantly pointed out a couple of years ago, the ultimate Gotta Have It for any recent college grad is the degree itself. Sure, you can take the cheapskate’s route and nail or thumbtack it to a corner of your drywall, but I’m guessing that since you’ve put in the hard work (and big dollars) to graduate from Cornell, you’re likely to want to show this baby off. And what better a way to do so than with a custom-made diploma frame. The friendly people over at the Cornell campus store can help you out with all of their choices, which range from more traditional styles to models that include a holder for a tassel. (www.store.cornell.edu/grad.html) Now That the Work is Finished, the World is Your Playground There’s nothing like celebrating the perfect ending to a perfect college career … with the vacation of a lifetime. But the question immediately becomes: where in the world do we want to go? Answer: if you’re willing to spend large amounts of bank, pretty much anywhere you can think of. Fortunately, for your overworked brain, I’ve scoured the internet looking for the coolest travel packages out there. One that stood out is the fabulous tropical destination of Aruba for a five-night stay at the four-star Hyatt Regency Aruba Resort and Casino. For the beach lovers, it’s right on the beach. For those members of Gamblers Anonymous, there’s the casino right at your fingertips. And unlike some other lavish trips to gaudy destinations like Monte Carlo, packages including hotel and airfare from New York City’s JFK airport to Aruba’s Oranjestad airport retail for around $1,050. Expedia.com is a great place to price trips because once you’ve decided on a location, you’ll be able to book any number of sightseeing excursions to give your vacation that extra-special personal touch, depending on your interests. (www.expedia.com)
A Final 221 Words for the Road
Okay, so the preceding list was an obvious joke, but I had a heck of a time pretending to be the world’s most demanding, spoiled-rotten child this side of anyone with the last name of Vanderbilt. Now if you’ll please excuse me, I’m headed to graduate (after a quick detour at the Slope Day and Senior Week festivities). For the thousands of you who have come to the surprising and no doubt shocking realization that you simply can’t go on without being able to absorb my precision-crafted prose every week (sorry folks, had to get in one final teary bit of self-patronizing, over-inflated ego-driven bravado), fear not. I’ve accepted a “transfer” to the West Coast (otherwise known as graduate journalism school at the sunny University of Southern California), and I’m sure I’ll be back on my proverbial, sarcastic feet in no time. To those of you whose time on the hill isn’t up quite yet, have a great summer and enjoy the time off. For those seniors making a break for the real world, I wish you the best of luck. To my family, especially my parents and grandma, thanks for everything — especially for taking such an understanding approach to the bizarre sleeping and living habits I’ve developed. I continue to plead ignorance as to how and why these might have begun.
Archived article by Jason Mednick