October 7, 2004

The Pretty Toney Column

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Get a Grip by Aerosmith has already established itself as one of the five greatest albums of all time. There is no arguing this. It”s at least the best album Aerosmith has released since Pump. Not only are there no bad songs on it, but there isn”t even a single song that I would describe as being anything short of excellent. You can”t help yourself from falling in love with this album.

Aerosmith is just the coolest band around. Joe Perry”s got so many muscles he doesn”t even need to wear a shirt in the pictures that come with the tape, and Steven Tyler”s just squatting there practically daring you to fight him.

If you”ve watched MTV for more than five minutes this year (I have, even though I”m not allowed), you know what I”m talking about. The ‘Living on the Edge’ video is so cool at the beginning, where Tyler”s half himself, and half alien. Not to mention ‘Cryin”,’ ‘Crazy,’ and ‘Amazing.’ In fact, amazing has to be the word that best describes Aerosmith right now. But you”ll never see a video for ‘Eat the Rich,’ which, in my opinion, is the album”s best song. Why? Come on, man, when was the last time you heard a song with this many swear words on the radio? There”s two. But to me that”s one of the best parts of this song — Aerosmith doesn”t care what you think. They just hate rich people.

Few songs” lyrics combine truth with humor this well. ‘Now they”re smokin” up the junk bonds/ And then they go get stiff/ And they”re dancin” in the yacht club/ With Muff and Uncle Biff.’ Seriously, every rich person I know belongs to a yacht club and like half of them are named Uncle Biff. And I am so sick of rich people complaining about their poodles and their pills. Who do they think they are?

I”ve heard that the guys in Aerosmith had lots of drug problems in the “70”s, but they”ve clearly straightened themselves out. ‘Eat the Rich’ is easily the best song they”ve ever written. Every kid I know has memorized all the words.

Parents hate ‘Eat the Rich,’ including mine. But I think that”s a good thing because parents” music sucks. The Beatles sound like girls! And if you jerks still don”t like ‘Eat the Rich’ then I”ve only got one thing to say to you — Take your Grey Poupon, my friend, and stick it up your ass.

[This past week Ross was in Coral Gables, Florida covering the presidential debate, so he asked his ten-year-old former self to write his column for him.]

Archived article by Ross McGown