November 2, 2004

Electing the True President

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Today is Election Day. This really got me thinking. We need more than just the traditional President of the United States. We need a President of American Sports. I figured that, if I ran for the new post, I”d need what they call a ‘campaign platform,’ discussing the various issues.

So here it is:


Last week, the NCAA released a report on athlete graduation rates, and the numbers were not too bad. Division I-A football players are graduating at about the same rate as non-athletes — around 60 percent. Men”s basketball players are still below average, at 44 percent, but there are signs of improvement. Transfer students aren”t counted as graduates, so both numbers should really be a little higher. By the way, Cornell”s overall graduation rate is about 90 percent.

However, at some schools, things are really bad, and I don”t think a few transfer students are to blame. At Georgia Tech, only 19 percent of men”s basketball players graduate. Nineteen percent. Think about that. How many guys are even on a college basketball team? Does this mean 0.4 players graduate each year?

Now what would I do about this, as President of American Sports? Take action, of course. What kind of action? I don”t know yet. Being President is hard work.

The report had some more interesting facts. The graduation rate for Boise State football players is 54 percent. The overall graduation rate, for the entire school — 26 percent. Now I know why Idaho is for Bush.

Foreign Policy

A good foreign policy is one that helps both the United States and the rest of the world. Therefore, the Dominican Republic will be annexed. That way, we could finally say America is producing good baseball players.

Also, the USA Men”s Basketball Team — which plays around the globe — will from now on be composed of players from the nation”s top high school team. At least the kids will know how to play as a team. They can”t do much worse than the NBA superstars did at the 2004 Olympics, or the 2002 World Games.


Crime is out of control on our professional baseball fields. Obviously the current penalties are not working. Things need to change.

This year we witnessed the felony of ‘throwing a chair into the stands.’ Did you ever think you”d see this in the Big Leagues? The old penalty: Season-long suspension. The new penalty: Season tickets to the Royals.


Drugs have always been a problem in professional sports. But something”s wrong when ex-Cowboy Nate Newton gets caught with a few hundred pounds of marijuana in his van a few years back. Sure, that much weed would only cover the Portland Trailblazers for a couple of days. But athletes need to be role models. So I”m going to appoint a Drug Czar for sports. Keep reading to see whom I”d choose.

The Cabinet

Every President needs a good Cabinet. I”ll be keeping some of the traditional posts, and adding a few new ones.

Secretary of Broadcasting: Keith Jackson

You may not know his name. But if you watch college football, you probably know his voice. For decades, he”s been America”s best play-by-play announcer. He”s over 75 years old, but his folk metaphors, unique style of delivery, and football knowledge place him far ahead of everyone else. He mostly does Pac-10 games on ABC, so consider yourself lucky if you happen to catch a game he”s working.

Secretary of Whatever She Wants: Jennie Finch

I know she”s getting married now (to a minor-league Diamondbacks pitcher), but still, the girl is just plain wonderful. She”s beautiful, classy, and can strike out 98 percent of the guys in the MLB. By the way, don”t you think her fianc