November 12, 2004

When I'm President

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Much like the rest of you, this election season saw me laugh, cry, and die on the inside. Thanks to all the partisanship of the past four years, our generation’s ears have been perked to the honey-soaked words of politicians, apathy is at long last being replaced by pathy. With one wing of our government self-destructing and incompetent, the other has assumed absolute power and the majestic bird of government will now soar in resplendent, tiny circles. And while we the youths of the country try to make sense of the world around us, we are simultaneously filled with a longing to contribute to the political system, much like neighborhood dogs joining together in a late-night barking frenzy, full of earnest passion yet ultimately dumb as rocks.

It is a brave, new world which we shall inherit and she will demand the bravest and newest of leaders. This is why I am moved, called in fact, to abandon my native field of psychology and join the revolution that is being born out of the ashes of the Democratic party. But what can I do to bring about change? Why, the only thing a god-fearing American should do, shoot for the top. This is why I am hereby officially and legally announcing my candidacy for the President of the United States of America. Bang!

Now, I know this may be a bit early planning for the next election, but keep in mind that our wise fore-fathers saw to it that no citizen could run for president without “five and thirty years of age under his girdle”. This pushes my candidacy to the year 2020 and any nay-sayers who thought my bid came too soon, must now see it as nothing less than predestined. My friends, you may wonder what the political landscape will look like in 15 years; well, today the political landscape is that of Nebraska or Death Valley, but in the world of tomorrow I see rolling hills and green meadows, I hear babbling brooks and lobbying forests and surrounding it all, the hope for change, drastic, unpredictable climactic upheaval to stir men’s hearts and melt the ice caps of convention. In the spirit of Cornell’s teaching, I have worked ahead and prepared my campaign’s stump speech in advance, though it not be needed for another decade and a half. So fellow Cornellians, I give you privy access to the voice of the People in the year 2020:

“My fellow Americans, and Canadians, I stand before you to ask your support in these times of change and potential. I am not merely one party’s candidate, but the candidate of the people, the people and some swing-voting robots. We have been given the opportunity to turn our course about and face the future proudly and we must take this chance to be as one, to unite as Republocrats and oust the fat-cat Robo-Whigs. Naturally, this entails a return to our party’s three core principles, strength, values and compassion.

First, we must be responsible citizens of the world, and at the same time protect our own interests. Also, we should be responsible citizens of the solar system, probably. We must fully endorse galactization, that economic process which has brought free-trade and the exchange of cultures to all the “peoples” of the Milky Way. Further, as in closer to home, we must seek an end to the persisting Arab-Israeli-Netherlandi conflict which has wracked the Middle East and low-land Europe.

Secondly, we must make sure the nation we leave our children and clones will be a decent and upright one. This means that we cannot grant our ape servants the right to vote, that god-given gift to man, despite rumors that they have developed speech. I am positive this will not backfire and is necessary to preserve our nation’s character.

Finally, we must exercise compassion towards those scientologist fundamentalists who threaten our nation’s freedom. That or blast them back into the Stone Age. I haven’t really made up my mind, was gonna kinda go with the polls on that one. Y’know, let ya’ll decide, I mean this is a democracy right? Oh yeah… that military coup sorta slipped my mind. Well then, how do we work things now? Is it like a –dibs! I call dibs on the Presidency!! And my first decree is that you get your ass down to the skits-o-phrenics’ sketch comedy show this weekend, Friday and Saturday, 8 and 10pm at Risley Theatre on North Campus (”

Archived article by Bil Kenkel
Sun Contributor