By December 2, 2004
It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Late night cramming, begging your chemistry professor to pass you and dissolving into tears in the middle of Uris Library. Happy finals, everyone! Oh, and for those of you who actually make it through, the holiday season is also here. And holiday shopping can be even more stressful than your finals. Fortunately for you, we have some GREAT gift ideas for everyone in the family. Mom Your mom is always telling you how she wishes she could be 21 again. Give her what she’s secretly been dreaming of — this hot dress, and the chance to party like a college student once again. Just don’t blame us when the guys start hitting on her. Dad What does every guy want for the holidays? You guessed it, designer jeans! Your mom will appreciate the butt cleavage and dad will love the super-tight fit. He may not be able to do any work, play basketball with his friends or even breathe in them, but at least he’ll look good wandering around the house. Sister Could you be any more bitchy? Retro-ing back to the days when you were flat as a chalkboard is not an excuse for giving your little sister a training bra. Still, it’s possible she may appreciate how useful your gift is, as she transitions from girl to womanhood (lucky her). We say take a chance. It’s all part of the fun holiday spirit. Brother Ah, back to the days of tighty-whiteys. What better gift to give your little brother than a set of cotton briefs? He’ll definitely appreciate them more than that GameBoy Advance game he’s been asking for. He’ll have way more fun picking out which bears to wear to school than he would playing Mario. We guarantee it. Girlfriend You want to get your girlfriend something useful, don’t you? She has enough jewelry, and she must have been kidding when she left that Tiffany’s catalog open on your desk. Like you’d ever spend that much money on her! Besides, you’d rather get her something original. She’s always saying how she needs to start working out, so give her a little motivation with some fitness wear! Boyfriend So it’s your first holiday with your boyfriend and you want to get him something special. DVDs and a case of beer just seem too impersonal. Don’t despair, we have the solution! Check out this t-shirt, adorned with festive reindeer. He’ll appreciate the sentiment, especially when you “Aww!” as he tries it on.Archived article by Wendi Kane and Katie AzzaroSun Staff Writers
By December 2, 2004
Gentiles, listen up. Don’t second guess the amount of presents you receive on December 25; while theoretically we should get eight presents, no one ever said that our parents didn’t have the right to completely dick us over. It’s called the Quantitative Jewish Illusory Effect, or QJIE, in which our parents give us crappy gifts each night, but make it seem like they really love us because it goes on for eight nights in row. However, rather than see through this scheme, we have to keep thanking them for their consistent efforts. Christmas is an all for one deal, so unless parents want their kids to hate them, they have to deliver the goods, so to speak. Okay, I have made some sick acquisitions in my tenure as a Jew. Like last year, I received an envelope with five, count ’em, five dollars in it. The next night, I got another envelope, this time with no money, but a card that read: “Happy Easter, Grandpa.” I felt so used. It is fair to say that the only cool Chanukah decoration is the Menorah, while Santa, his sleigh and reindeer, giant teddy bears, awesome lights, cute little elves, snow, mistletoe, eggnog, wreaths, gingerbread houses and their magical occupants, the Nutcracker and drunk old people are all standard for Jesus’ birthday. It’s so much more fun. I want a Christmas tree, dammit, but I know that my mother will somehow find out and probably have a heart attack. Oyy! Now that we’ve returned from Thanksgiving vacation, the awesome fun thing to do is to ask everyone you see how his or her break was. I look forward to hearing about how “good” or “relaxing” or “you know” it was. So what do I say to people when they ask me? The same thing — I don’t want to be a weirdo. Thanksgiving is a wonderful holiday in which families come together for one day of thankfulness, regardless of religious background. So why do so many people think it’s a religious holiday? Cause they don’t know the real story behind it. In fact, I have a strong feeling that Thanksgiving was actually invented by Jewish people who, like me, loved Christmas, but obviously couldn’t officially celebrate it. See, the way many of us have heard is that back in 1620, Squanto and his boys picnicked with John Smith and his Separatist crew to honor the harvest and eat corn. This is probably true; however, that story had nothing to do with religion. On the denominational token, Thanksgivings are actually Calvinist holidays, and since Calvinists were not around Plymouth, we can rule that explanation out. Thanksgiving did not even become a nationally celebrated holiday until the 1800’s, but even then it was only recognized by a few states as such. It wasn’t until 1939 that Franklin Roosevelt officially designated it as the last Thursday in November, to ultimately extend the Christmas season. Extend the Christmas season?!?! Was that part of the New Deal? So we’re giving thanks for more Old Navy commercials? I have enough Performance Fleece to clothe Bulgaria and the balls to do it! Well, anyway, I thought I would kick off the Christmas season in true Jewish fashion. So, I took a trip to the cleanest, most refined state in the country — no, not Mexico — New Jersey. I am so sick of people calling it “Dirty Jersey,” when they don’t even consider how pristine and fresh the humongous landfills, oil refineries and 5-6 New York Giants are. The car in which I rode was comfortable, and quite spacious, although I found the four wheel drive a bit oppressive and mechanical. The New Jersey Turnpike was inviting, and nicely symmetrical, with small white lines that gave the illusory appearance of one long line. But at the same time, the road felt cold and too monothematic. Some curves and maybe more road kill along the sides might liven things up a bit. Maybe their ex-governor can help with the decorating. The music selection sucked because it wasn’t mine, but my senses were too overwhelmed by the delightful odor that emanated from the baby seal oil factory near Secaucus. I was especially happy to hear that Camden, NJ was recently named the country’s worst city! Way to go, guys! Keep that crack flowing. I arrived at the restaurant, The Jewish Pilgrim, which looked a lot like my aunt’s house. I handed my coat to the coat check guy, who looked a lot like my uncle, and asked him not to wrinkle it, but he just gave me a weird look. I loved the d