February 9, 2005

Gamers and Idiots

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The Patriots won the Super Bowl again. Ho-hum. It seems like everything is now Boston, Boston, Boston. Soon, you’ll be hearing ridiculous stories, like the Red Sox actually winning the World Series. Things like that never could happen, just like Mark McGwire taking steroids, as former teammate Jose Canseco claims. Like we believe Canseco — it’s not like he’s trustworthy like Barry Bonds or Jason Giambi. Still, steroid problems, boring Sundays, the Knicks sucking, naked swimmers stalking Anna Kournikova — what is wrong with the sports world? In this special edition of “Gamers and Idiots,” (an adaptation of Opinion’s “Heroes & Villains,”) I’ll show why we need to get rid of this chaos as soon as possible.

I heard there was a great game happening on Sunday, but I didn’t know that the IDIOTIC Super Bowl XXXIX was going to be such a snooze-fest. And who else would typify “boring” more than the GAMER Patriots coach Bill Belichick — one of the lamest quotes in the NFL. Come on, did you really think the Eagles were going to win? I despise the Patriots, but you have to like a guy who calls a linebacker’s number on offense, and has him catch a touchdown pass — in the Super Bowl. Mike Vrabel catching a pass is like making one of your wide receivers play cornerback. Wait, Belichick did that too. Eat that, IDIOTIC Freddie Mitchell. However, one person Belichick could not stop was GAMER OF THE YEAR, Terrell Owens. Owens, who made a Willis Reed-type comeback from a broken leg, caught nine passes for 122 yards, burning the New England secondary time after time. Admit it — you were itching to see him to score a touchdown so he could moon Paul McCartney, sharpie his name on Tom Brady’s helmet, or — gasp — show off his nipple ring.

Now that would be entertaining compared to Sunday’s IDIOTIC Super Bowl commercials. While there were many terrible examples, the worst two might have been the IDIOTIC Napster and Degree antiperspirant commercials. While I’m starting to get the feeling that Cornell might be the only place in the entire universe which pays Napster anything, Degree’s depiction of a Mama’s Boy doll being magnetized to the Mom doll’s crotch is probably the most troubling image of the year. And I thought Super Bowl XXXIX was supposed to be a family program.

If you weren’t caught up in all of the Super Bowl hype, you could have watched the dominant Cornell sports teams this past weekend. Let’s give it up for our GAMERS Mike Iggulden, Dustin Manotti and Lenny Collins — guys who played key roles in big victories over the weekend. And how about those GAMERS on the track teams? Both squads demolished the visitor, Yale, by a combined 100 points.

By the way, 1,803,529 NBA fans are IDIOTS. Why, in anyone’s right mind, would you vote the IDIOTIC Vince Carter to start in the All-Star game — a guy who admitted that he didn’t play hard for his former team, the Toronto Raptors. Sure, he has some hops, but Vince, a little bit of advice: stay at home.

Finally, move over Lynah Faithful, Cameron Crazies and the Paris Hilton Fan Club, because here come the IDIOTIC David Witthoft and Geoff Huish. Witthoft, an eight-year-old from Ridgefield, Conn., has worn his 2003 Christmas Day present — a Brett Favre jersey — for 410 days straight just for the fun of it. Why, you ask, do I call this innocent child an idiot? Simple, the Packers have not made the Super Bowl in the past two years, the whole world probably thinks he stinks and he seriously needs some new clothes. Go buy yourself a Brady jersey, kid.

As for Huish, let’s just say he had some testicular fortitude. The 26-year-old Welsh rugby fan was so sure that England was going to beat his team last Saturday that he told people at a pub, “If Wales win, I’ll cut my balls off.”

Sure enough, Wales beat England for the first time in 12 years and to the shock of many, Huish went home, used a knife to cut off his proverbial jewels and went 200 yards back to the bar to show drinkers his … achievement. Huish was taken to the hospital, where he was listed in serious condition.

Whatever the outcome of Huish’s story, one thing’s for sure — no amount of steroids or Super Bowl rings is going to ever fix that.

Brian Tsao is a Sun Senior Editor. Life of Brain appears every other Wednesday this semester.

Archived article by Brian Tsao
Sun Senior Editor