February 9, 2005

The A.B.C. Guide to Style

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Nissin Foods – Cup Noodles (Chicken Flavor) Cup Noodles could quite possibly be the worst thing to put in your mouth next to infected genitalia. With over 300 calories per serving, this heart-clogger contains over 35% of your daily value of saturated fat. That doesn’t scare you yet? — this badass little cup has nearly 1,170 mg of sodium, enough to fill half your daily salt requirement and convert your urine in to ammonia. But let’s be honest here: the foam cup, no frills cheap wax paper cover and ultra light dry weight make this a classic item to keep in the cupboard. You may need to chug a gallon of water before your glands can fully recover, but Nissin isn’t joking when they claim it’s “much more than a soup.”

Glock 9mm Replica Handgun Ever watch classic MTV late at night and wonder what it must feel like to be in a Dr. Dre video? Behold the mighty Glock 9mm replica! With a few simple differences (i.e. the inability to “pop caps at motherf*#$&%”) this piece can now rest on anyone’s coffee table without the need for a concealed weapon license (or fear of getting arrested). Thanks to Chinese manufacturers and rigid plastic housings, you too can reenact the “Nothin’ But A G. Thang” video scene of stuffing a fine European handgun in the small of your back as you barbecue ribs on a sunny summer day. But remember this, young gangsters, these replicas do not have a bright orange safety tip like their evil brother, the air gun. Thus, cops can’t tell the difference between this Glock and the real thing. So don’t stuff one in the glovebox of your car or your jeans during a potential drug raid.

Mac II GS Steve Jobs was once arrogant. Strike that — Jobs was more arrogant than George Clooney on crystal meth wearing black to P. Diddy’s “white party” in Miami on New Years. Regardless of what you think about Apple (either you thirst for OS X or laugh at Apple’s incompatibility while watching smut on Windows XP), you have to give credit when it is due. The Mac II GS was the first decent desktop on the market. It had a color display, a “poppy” little keyboard, the first respectable mouse, a cool looking CPU, and easy cables to connect your overly priced dot matrix printer. There’s no denying it. (Mac purists, get over yourselves — the original Mac sucked as much as Jobs did, wearing bowties and blazers to press conferences to condemn the “right wing mantra of Big Blue.”) But remember this, na